Chapter 42 – The Lord of the Badgers

Badgelor was doing pushups.  Badger pushups.  Or something like that.  Actually, I had no idea what the feck Badgelor was doing.  Whatever it was, it was clearly wrong.  The female War Badger said so.  

Quite vociferously.  

“Diamonds are for lovers, and I’m a lover.  Now, make me those diamonds,” screamed the War Badger.  Badgelor struggled to comply.  I was guessing a massive battle, followed by starving himself for several days, was not a great choice before beginning a forced physical therapy session.  

“Are those diamond pushups?” I asked Shart.

“Obviously,” replied the demon.

“Really?” I asked.

“I don’t fecking know!  Do you think I care about pushups?  Ask Badgelor,” growled Shart.

“He disconnected from me during that part where he was yelling, ‘Asshole[RR1] ,’ at me, I replied.  Badgelor glanced over at me and tried to signal…something.  I think it was, “I’m a jerk who needs to do more pushups.”

“How are things, Badget?” I asked.  The female War Badger turned to me, her glowing purple eyes clearing.

“Fine, sir.  Who is this soldier?” she responded curtly.  

“Badgelor, Lord of the Badgers,” I replied.  

She glared at Badgelor for a long moment, then snorted.  “Not my lord.  Keep at that front leaning rest position until I tell you otherwise.”

Even exhausted, Badgelor was still capable of doing pushups for essentially forever and, once he figured out what a diamond badger pushup was, she stopped yelling quite so much.  

“I was wondering-” began Badgelor.

“Did I give you permission to speak?” Badget bellowed, turning into War Form to emphasize her point.  Strangely, there was enough room to actually do that, as the Dalton girls seemingly cleared out their front room to allow exercises to be performed.

“Hey, Punny, how is Badget treating you?” I said, looking over at the world champion of hair length.  

“It's a badger of honor having her in the house,” Punny replied.  

“What did I say?” screamed the War Badger.

“Sorry, Badget,” replied Punny with a pained smile.  “She is not fond of puns, and, frankly, she terrifies me.”

“Ah, makes sense,” I said, as the snorting hell beast glared down at Badgelor.

“But with Ashe, Hansa, and Margwal out of the house, there was plenty of room available,” said Punny cautiously.  

I turned back to see Badgelor doing something that looked like a sit-up.  Badget was still glaring at him.  Glaring and shouting seemed to be Badget’s main things.

“Are the accommodations to your liking?” I asked.

“Yes, sir, Mister Mayor.  The accommodations are quite adequate, though the snack bar was a bit much,” Badget replied in the calmest tone I’d heard from her. 

“Snack bar?” I whispered to Punny.

“We no longer have a rodent problem,” replied Punny.  “Or a bird problem, or a deer problem, or a racoon problem.”  I glanced over at the haunted eyes of a robin.  She was wearing a tag that said, “Not food”. 

Suddenly, Badget raised a paw and screamed.  “What kind of sit up is that, mister?  Did you get all fat eating erectile dysfunction cream?”  

“That stuff is really good with carrots,” said Punny.  “Before, I was almost a victim of a salt with a deadly weapon.”

“Girl!” yelled Badget.  With the moment of distraction, Badgelor rolled to his feet and got into a fighting stance.

“I am Badgelor!  You will tell me how you survived!”

Badget looked at him contemptuously.  “I will not tell you shit, you scruffy looking nerf herder!”  

“There are nerfs here?” I asked Punny.

“There are nerfsry rhymes about them,” answered Punny.

“What did I say?” bellowed Badget.  

Badgelor grunted, trying to expand into his War Form.  He was too hungry to change forms, his self-imposed starvation digging too deeply into his Stamina reserves.  Badgelor looked around desperately for food.  An inopportune snack entered the room, riding on Rose’s shoulder.

The little dragon was not much bigger than I remembered him.  My Master Perception caught him when he was with Julia, and I could see that a solid diet of all the animals in the Dalton house had worked wonders.  He looked plump.

Badgelor lunged at him.  Dragons were literally his favorite food.  

Badget shoulder checked him, blocking his path to the dragon.  “You will not eat the company mascot!”

“Company mascot? It's a dragon!  We eat dragons!” yelled Badgelor.  The door slammed open, and HarDragon stepped into his worst possible horror.  Two War Badgers were standing inches away from his dragon.  Thankfully, the dragon hopped off Rose’s shoulder and landed on HarDragon, hissing at both badgers.  

“This little dragon escaped from the Sphinx, just like us.  Any survivor of the Sphinx is a member of this army, and I’ll die before I let someone eat a member of my army!  Badger’s promise,” Badget shouted.

Badgelor shrunk away and resumed doing sit-ups. 

“HarDragon,” I began, before examining the dragon, “And Fluffy Cuddles?”

“We named it,” stated Rose.

“Of course you did,” I responded, as HarDragon moaned.  “Is that an odd dragon name?”

“There are only a few dragons left, but names are usually like ApocalypseAnnihilator or MegaDevastator.  Fluffy Cuddles is new.”  HarDragon stated.  He looked sad.  

Content that he wasn’t about to be eaten, the little dragon hopped over to Punny and began kneading her shoulder, much to her discomfort.  Even with his tiny size, those claws were sharp.  

Badgelor and Badget were both glaring at each other.  Despite the difference in size and forms, my money was still on Badgelor.  The problem was Badget didn’t quite realize that yet.  She was considering some very poor alternatives to his lack of discipline.

“So, you two should be friends,” I said.

“Friends with him, that scrawny looking bit of washed-up hair?” spat Badget.

“The only surviving War Badger, and she’s a total jerk,” growled Badgelor.

“Only survivor?  Are you kidding? War Badgers are an army,” replied Badget, barking once.  Instantly, twelve smaller War Badgers ran into the room, each one glaring at Badgelor.  Then, all of them expanded to the smallest, cutest “War Form’ I’d ever seen.  They looked like angry bull dogs. 

“Cubs?” whispered Badgelor.  “There are surviving cubs?”

“Yes, Shart and I managed to find them while you were saving the world,” I replied, eying Badget carefully.  “They weren’t happy about me finding them, so I captured them with the Walker Orb.  Once we got to Ordinal, I dropped them off here.  The Dalton girls take care of all the sick and wounded animals.” 

“We used to,” said Punny solemnly. 

“Once it was obvious that we were clear of Jersey and safe on Ordinal, I took up the Mayor’s offer of barracks and a buffet,” said Badget.  “I needed to rest the troops after the escape, and he said that there was another War Badger here I had to meet.  I did.  Not impressed.” 

She glared at Badgelor’s shabby coat and emaciated form.  He’d taken too much damage and hadn’t done anything to restore himself.  He looked half-dead, with fur missing in a few places from his fight in super hell.  I almost felt bad for him, greeting his people like that, but he hadn’t given me any choice. 

The cubs all stared at Badgelor as a look of awe crossed his face.  His only goal for centuries was saving his race and now the survivors stood before him, ready for battle. 

“Come here, young ones,” whispered Badgelor.

“No,” said a cub.  “You are a mangy, smelly old badger.”

Badgelor winced.  I’d seen him stand before the beasts of Jersey unflinchingly, but a little War Badger a third his side nearly slew him with those words.  He was tired, and his fur was a mess.  He looked so very old in that moment, like he was staring out over an endless abyss.    

Badgelor’s mighty head drooped. 

The little War Badgers all seemed to snort in unison, turning toward Badget.  She simply shook her head.  “For an elder, you don’t seem all that impressive.”

“I fought Behir,” said Badgelor quietly. 

“So did the general.  She actually killed one,” replied Badget.

“I killed three,” stated Badgelor. 

“A likely story,” said Badget, as she inspected Badgelor.  “Since all you can seem to manage is Travel Form, I’m going to assume you fit at the back of the line.”

“Like hell I do,” whispered Badgelor, his hair smoothing out.  Patches of fur that were missing began to regrow. 

“What was that, recruit?” roared Badget.

“I am no recruit. I am Badgelor!  I am the greatest, strongest, smartest, and sneakiest War Badger that ever drew breath.  I am the champion of my people.  I went to Jersey and beyond to rescue you.  When you say my name, you will say it with respect.” 

Badget began to really see Badgelor for the first time.  I could tell by the slight change in her eyes.    

The wily old badger had tricks, lots of tricks.  While I was sure he could pull something out to restore himself, what he really wanted to do was reconnect the bond.  I’d figured out his trick to scrambling bonds and had been practicing the entire time he’d been doing his exercises.  He’d almost managed to reconnect a time or two.

Now, I stopped blocking him.  The Companion Bond snapped back into place, and Badgelor started to draw deeply from my Stamina pool.  My connection to him was stronger than before, and he drank up a hundred points of Stamina in moments.     

“Neat, that must have been what he did to Charles,” said Shart.  “Interesting trick without mindspace.”

“You think Badgelor doesn’t have mindspace?” I asked.

“It's rare.  I don’t see how he could,” stated Shart.  “Oh, for fecks sake.  I forget he’s about as bad as you are with rare abilities.  At least I could go visit.”

“Like hell you could,” growled Badgelor.  “It's bad enough you poke around Jim’s mindspace.”

“You come over to my mindspace to assign your perks!” I grunted, realizing that was how Badgelor had been doing perks.  I knew he was assigning his powers, but I didn’t know the actual mechanism of it.  Frankly, I liked it better when I didn’t know.  It was like finding out a magician’s tricks. 

“Only did it because you don’t do your build right,” said Badgelor, as he activated one of my Hiking perks.  The Endless Journey perk allowed me to walk forever.  Additionally, if I walked more than a certain distance, I stopped being able to be hungry.  The trick was that distance really wasn’t that hard to achieve.  Of course, I also usually cheated and got it done even more quickly.

Like today, so Endless Journey was already active. 

Badgelor’s starvation condition ended, and he started gaining Stamina.  I shrugged and began shoving even more of my personal Stamina into Badgelor.  I wasn’t that much of a jerk, even if he had called me one in a fit of rage.  Within ten seconds, the half-starved War Badger was gone, replaced by Badgelor’s normally majestic coat of fur.  

The effect was so pronounced, Badget actually stepped back.  Badgelor chuckled.  “So, you want to see my best form, eh?”  

“Is that music?” asked Shart.

“It’s ‘Vegeta’s Theme’,” I replied.  “Not in the house, Badgelor.’

“Why?  This is a pretty big room,” said Badget, suddenly looking concerned.  It was a nice change from the glowering  

Badgelor looked around, judging if he could fit.  I stomped hard enough to remind him about the basement, which he would be in if he transformed here.  Grumbling, Badgelor stepped outside, turning to face the Dalton house.  

There was a gasp from outside.  I saw dozens of Falconians recognize the badger and drop to one knee.  

“They do that faster for him than for you,” said Shart.

“Well, it's Badgelor.  He is their national mascot,” I replied, as the War Badger expanded.

“This is my War Form,” said Badgelor, ceasing his expansion at a size noticeably larger than Badget.  She concentrated and expanded further, into an even larger War Form.  I could tell doing so was beyond her skill, and her Stamina began to drain quickly.  

“This is my Evolved War Form.”  Badgelor expanded again, swelling to the size of a polar bear.  His Evolved War Form was much larger than Badget’s.  Unlike her, Badgelor’s Stamina was unmoving. 

“This is my Ultimate Form,” continued Badgelor, growing again.  This time, he went all the way to the Ultimate Form.  He was now the size of two Clydesdales standing next to each other.  I thought he looked taller than I remembered, before he settled down to a slightly shorter height.

“His legs are longer,” I muttered, as Badget’s eyes got wide.

“And this is my Evolved Ultimate Form,” said Badgelor, exploding out to an even larger size.  This was bigger than he’d even been during the battle with the zombies.  He was fully woolly mammoth-sized, if not a bit larger.  He looked like he could eat an African bull elephant for breakfast.  The cobbles under his paws began to crack and pop as he stood.  

“And this is my…” he continued.

“Nope, that doesn’t fit in the street,” I said.

“But I'm impressing the young lady with my awesome badger power!” whined Badgelor.

“You are wrecking my road,” I countered.  

Badgelor looked down at his dusty paws.  He growled, then shifted down to only Ultimate Form.  Badget had not been able to maintain Evolved War Form and had reverted to her War Form.  The little War Badger cubs all stuck their heads out the door, and Rose stepped out. She was followed by HarDragon.  

Badget knelt with the rest of the War Badgers as Badgelor returned to his travel size and walked over to her.

“I am Badgelor, Lord of the War Badgers, and we are about to save the world, again.”