Dialysis Book: Revised: Chapter 31:  Cider House Blues

“Everyone, this is Max and saved my life,” said Quatax as he held up his mug.  I grinned, he was making a good point.  The elf looked around unsteadily and then pointed at Shade, or at least made the effort.  “And that’s Shade, he is a good boy.”

“Aww, thank you,” said Shade, smiling from his place on the floor.  He was sitting with us at the table, but that was around one quarter of a cider ago.  Now he was on the floor.  

I didn’t know what happened to my cowboy hat, but I assumed it was a casualty at this point.  The human fashion store actually had some decent things to wear in it, though the elves insisted I color coordinate with them.  That hadn’t been hard and I was dressed in human type overalls with greens and browns all over them, pretty much like Quatax.  

“Is everyone liking their Tubie Tots,” said Zorg, laughing trilly as he staggered to his feet.  They were tater tots, I’d shown this bar how to make them and now it was crammed so full that I didn’t think anyone was going to be able to reach the bathroom for an hour.  

“And don’t mess with his mutant doat,” groaned Forenth, who was using Shade as a pillow.  

The patrons of the bar looked at each other and then me before Harple mumbled something.  He was wearing my hat.  It looked good on him.  

“He did what to who,” asked one, backing up a pace from me.

“That mutant doat is very clever,” said Forenth.  “It is almost like talking to a system fairy when you ask him questions.”

That shut up the elves.  Shade started getting a lot of side eyes from the various patrons of the bar.  I was expecting some declaration of their support for fairies or a castigation of Shade but I got neither.  

Zorg stumbled over to me, “Max, I’m a bad friend.”

“I thought you said we weren’t friends,” I said.

“I’m sorry.  I thought I knew what friends were, but I wasn't a real friend to anyone.  Not like you.  I was a friend when it was easy, you were a friend when it was hard.  I wanna be a friend when things get hard, Max,” said Zorg holding his cup of wine unsteadily.  He was so earnest that I didn’t want to say that’s what she said.  

“You aren’t a bad guy,” I offered, trying to think of something polite, and failing.    

“No, I judged you terribly because you had small ears and you still did everything you could to save us,” said Zorg seriously.  I was trying not to get upset, cause he was drunk, but then Zorg’s serious expression cracked and he started blubbering, “You have small ears, and you are a real friend!”  

Zorg dropped his head onto my chest, poking me with his knife ear, and started bawling. It lasted an uncomfortably long time.  I pushed him away and looked into his eyes.   

“Maybe you shouldn’t figure out who your friends are by the size of your ears?” I offered.  

Zorg looked at his cup, wobbled a bit and then threw up all over the elf next to us.   

“I think I need some air,” I said.  

Quatax nodded and said, “Okay Max, but if you need anything, anything!  I’m your elf.  I was wrong, and I want eve… everyone to know it.  Max is a human, and he is my brother!  If anyone has a problem with Max, they have a problem with me!”

I wasn’t sure if Quatax was going to remember that tomorrow, but it was possible.  He said so after his first drink, the problem was that we’d been to no fewer than six bars driving up the sale price of our cloak.  So even if I didn’t fix elf/human relations, the trips should be worth at least as much as the alcohol we paid for getting the word out.

Probably.  We drank a lot.

I stumbled out of the bar, and Shade unsteadily followed me. 

“I’m sorry Shade,” I said.

“About what, chum,” said the dog pleasantly.

“That you can’t hold your liquor,” I chuckled.  

Shade snorted, “I had half of a mutant doat cup, Chum.  That is like a big glass for you.”

We stopped in the garden outside the bar, which of course made no sense to me.  Why would a bar have a garden, but in elfland every place had a garden.  The bar, which had a fancy name that I neglected to remember, was one of the older bars in the city and even better allowed anyone who could pay to drink there.  

Forenth suggested the place after the third, or was it fourth, kicked me out for being human. They angrily kept calling me a new name; a Didi’mau.  

I held against a fountain unsteadily and the sound of running water was getting to me.  I glanced around and realized that we were the only people here in this very private garden and nature was screaming at me.  

“Finally,” said Spivy, hopping on my shoulder.  I lost my balance and nearly fell over.  She looked down and groaned.  “Seriously?  They have a room for that.”

“I’m fine, Shade already did it,” I said.

“The fountain is mine,” said Shade.

“They haven’t kicked me out yet,” I said, taking careful aim at a small statue who was holding an urn.  “I have only had a few glasses of wine.”

“You realize that didi’mau means that you are a drunkard who should leave,” said Spivy as I swayed.  “At least they were talking about your friends just as much as they were talking about you.”

“Quatax said they were talking about me,” I said.  “He got quite offended.”

“That warrior is not observant enough to be an elf, especially when he’s drunk,” replied Spivy.

I looked back into the bar and Quatax had indeed passed out, again.  She might be right.

“What do you need, coach,” I asked, feeling my mind slip more into focus.  Since I could dump more essence into stamina now, I was able to burn away the alcohol faster.  That combined with my practice on my willpower allowed me to power through the worst of the effects of my bender, if I focused.

Spivy flew over to the top of a nearby tree and sat, “Well, I’ve found us passage out of town.”  She could talk at incredible ranges, I couldn’t.  Grumbling, I started climbing the tree only to spot shade walking easily up the side, looking at me like I was an idiot.

Grumbling, I engaged my boots and easily climbed fifty or so feet.  The highborn district was ‘higher’ than most of the city, and the extra fifty feet gave me just enough height to really see the city in all of its glory during golden hour.  

It was so beautiful that I could almost ignore the elves being massive asshats, almost.  There were roads running in all directions with small lights in the intersections starting and stopping traffic.  Grand trees stretched on for as far as the eye could see, though from my current height I could see down on most of them.  

There were a hundred thousand people in this city, living, breathing, enjoying themselves on this fine night and the stars were glorious.  Far brighter than they were on Earth, or the last time I looked at them.  The sky seemed to vibrate with power.

Still, I was ready to continue my journey.  

“Excellent, we have several hundred gold ready, and we will get more later tonight,” I said smiling.  “We killed a beboar.”

Spivy nodded, “Good quest, hopefully that compensates for the brass bell.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, tonight is the conjunction, and I wasn’t able to sell it in such a way that doesn’t link it right back to us,” said Spivy.  I smiled, about to tell her what I’d done when she finished, “Or start a major war in town.”

“Start a war?” I asked.

“Yeah, everyone wants that relic, so just selling it was going to cause a major battle, it was probably best that you dropped it in the woods like we discussed,” said Spivy as she looked over the garden, her eyes stopping on Shade who was looking intently into the distance.  “What do you see?”

“Oh, nothing coach,” said Shade and Spivy relaxed.  “I hear explosions.”

I looked over and spotted the top of the auction house, easy enough to see from the tree.  That was half the point we were still here, you’d just pick one of the four towers and check to see what flags were flying.  The orange one signaled that the auction was over.

“Three,” I said, uncomfortably.

Spivy looked over at the auction house, then slowly started hovering. “THREE?”

“Three towers,” I said.

“There are four,” she said as she lifted ten feet higher and yelled down, “One of the four towers completely blown off the auction house.”

“That’s horrible,” I said, horrified.  

Spivy landed, “Yeah, the auction house is ‘holy ground’, they wouldn’t fight there unless something really critical was…” The irate fairy’s eyes got huge.

“In my defense, I sold it anonymously,” I began.

“You dundering wiffelpooh,” said Spivy.

“I’m not sure that translated,” I replied, trying to figure out if I’d been insulted.  

“You colossal moron,” screamed the fairy.

“That translated,” said Shade, who found a good spot on the tree for laying down between two branches.  I’d have been afraid he could fall, but his climbing shard was all over while mine was just at the feet.  

I pushed my essence to nearly bonfire levels trying to shake away the alcohol before glaring at the fairy, “You were supposed to sell it, you didn’t.  You said you couldn’t do it and remain anonymous, and I found a way to do that.  What’s the problem?”

A loud explosion sent massive marble bricks flying from the auction house as a half dozen elves ran out of the hole.  One had something that looked very much like my brass bell, and the cloak.  

“I hope he paid for that,” I mumbled as another group of elves gave chase, but there were not enough of them and the two groups skirmished briefly before jumping onto buggies and racing through the streets.  

“They did not,” said Shade.  “No one escapes like that if they paid for something.”

My shoulders slumped, and I looked down on Spivy where she sat in a pile.  She was angry with me, but I spoke first, “I figured out you weren’t going to sell it, so I sold it.  That was the plan, wasn’t it?”

  I stopped burning essence before I ran out, which allowed the alcohol to attack me a second time.  Wobbling I looked over at Spivy who was sitting on the water.

“I was trying to sell it for you, but I had to be careful.  Lady Domagal was willing to pay for it, but wasn’t willing to do what I needed her to do.”

“So you could have sold it, but didn’t,” I said.

“Yes,” said Spivy sullenly.  

“What did you need her to do?” I asked, flopping onto my rear end.

“Fairies still have limiters, I still have to be a helper no matter what I want.  It is like being a slave, Max.  A slave to the system,” said Spivy as she reached her hand down and slapped the water.  It vibrated, but she stayed on top of it.  “I think I want to help you, but I don’t know if that’s true.  It might just be the system programming me how to think and I’d very much like control over my own mind.”

“Is it that important to you, I have restrictions all over the place,” I asked, sitting up.  “I can’t shop here, I can’t do that.  Everything has a restriction.”

“Restrictions that you made.  Restrictions you could walk away from.  I don’t have a choice,” said Spivy looking off into the distance where a series of explosions lit up the night towards the System Lord’s tower.  “It is not even just that.  To most, I’m not even a person.  I’m just something that reads off their stats while they go on an adventure.”

Spivy sat there for a moment, eyes wet.  

“I want to be just like everybody else.”

That was a pretty good sob story, but I wasn’t interested in listening.  She betrayed me.  She wasn’t trying to sell the brass bell, she was trying to trade it for something she wanted.  I supposed she’d helped too but I was just about done with people betraying me.  

I had Shade, he was enough.  I scratched my loyal dog behind the ear.  

“Does it have to be a system lord, lass,” Shade asked.

“Technically yes,” said Spivy.  “I’ve tried a master Shard Crafter, but unless you can do a ritual during a conjunction there isn’t enough power.  The only Shard Crafter I knew who was skilled enough… died in the attempt.”

“Ha, So you either need a System lord, or a master shard crafter with a ritual during a conjunction,” I said, lying back down.  “Sounds impossible.”  I did not add sucks to be you, but I thought it while enjoying the ‘schadenfreude’ of her misfortune.  

Spivy sat there defeated and we both watched the fireballs in the distance.  Everytime one detonated I could see the streaks the tears made on her face.  Shade whimpered a bit, but I scratched him in his favorite spots.  We could leave her here.    

“Are there any system lords who you aren’t on terrible terms with?” asked Shade.

“Why?” asked Spivy.

“You are our friend. We will help you fix your brain,” said Shade.

“What?” I asked.

“Chum, you should appreciate more than anyone that if your brain needs fixing, you will need your friend’s help,” said Shade. “You should not be mad about that goblin thing.”  

I blinked at my dog for several seconds.  We were somewhere in a distant world, and the fairy just tricked us, and when we needed her…

Well, best not think about that.  

I shook my head at Shade, “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I am a good boy, good boys help their friends,” said Shade.  I rolled my eyes, and laid down more comfortably.  He was acting like an idiot.  Shade sat for a moment then continued sternly, “I will not stay here and be a bad dog.”

“Shade,” I said.  “She betrayed us.”

“She was doing what she thought was right,” said Shade, looking at me sternly.  “The nice lady would be disappointed in you right now for leaving her.”

I blinked, sitting back up as Shade walked over and stood next to Spivy.  

“I mean, we might be on vacation, but we can still help.  That was just extra gold,” I said rapidly, without processing anything I said.  

“The brass bell, you risked your life to acquire?” said Spivy, touching Shade’s paw.  

“I got paid,” I replied, rationalizing quickly and edging closer.  Spivy backed up so I continued.  “Keeping it was never part of the plan.”  

“Why would you still help me, I lied to you,” said Spivy, looking at me incredulously as Shade looked at me like he’d looked at her.

I swallowed.    

“About nothing important.  It would be bad for me to not help you,” I said simply.  

Spivy looked at me, who was admittedly looking very confused myself, and then over at Shade whose mind was made up before I’d started rambling.  It took Spivy several moments before comprehension set in.  

“You are going to risk your life to avoid making Shade a bad dog?” she said.

“Yes,” I replied.  

“That doesn’t make any sense,” said Spivy.  

“Shade is my best friend,” I said. 

“That’s insane,” said Spivy.

“That’s owning a dog, I do pick up his poop in little bags,” I said.

“That is true, he does do that,” said Shade as he continued to stand with Spivy. I moved closer and he didn’t move further away.  

“That can’t be it,” said Spivy, shaking her head.

“He’s still very sad that the nice lady left,” I said, glancing over at Shade.  He seemed stationary.  

Spivy looked at me, “You’ve mentioned she left you a few times, how could that matter that much?”

“She left.  She’s gone,” I said, looking off at the explosions in the distance.  

“That’s not true, we visit her in the park where I’m not allowed to pee every month,” said Shade.  

“She won’t be coming back,” I said, looking over the city.  

“You said we were going to find her,” said Shade, looking hurt.  

“I said we were going to be with her,” I replied, sitting on the branch and closing my eyes.  “That doesn’t mean the same thing, Shade.”

“Oh,” replied my dog as he sat next to her.  He was thoughtful for several moments.  “I think I would like to be with her again, but not yet.  I still have work to do.”

My therapist suggested working, group chats, and taking care of myself but I could never accept her leaving.  I was twenty five.  We had our whole lives right there in front of us and then she got sick.  It was two years ago now.  She’d just graduated college.  She wasn’t supposed to die.  We were supposed to have decades looking back over a life and a family.  

Then in the span of two weeks everything that mattered in my  just burned except for Shade.  

I hadn't taken it well.  I collapsed into a miserable little ball of a man with a sad dog that wasn’t being properly taken care of for years.  Still, Shade was my friend and he was with me even here on a whole new planet.  

And our friend needed us.  Sure she was a bit of a jerk, but most friends have a bit of a jerk in them hidden away somewhere.  She wasn’t a drunk or a thief.  She was a liar, but liars existed and she was trying to do something for her people and I didn’t even know what lengths you’d go to for that.    

But I knew she’d want me to help someone in need, and I could do that.  

“I’ll help you,” I said, looking back over at the fairy.  

Spivy smiled, “I’m sorry, thank you.”

“Mind you, I think we burned our bridges here.”

“We did not,” said Shade looking over the water, “Which is good because there are a lot of people using the bridge.”

I looked north, over the water and spotted the bridge as well as the castle on the other side of the river.  It was easy to spot for two reasons, first it was the only large structure on that side of the river, and two it was being attacked by an overwhelming number of creatures.  

“Are those, goblins,” I asked, squinting.

“Yes,” said Spivy, her own vision far greater than mine.  She reached into her pouch and handed me a pair of elven binoculars.  “Don’t worry though there are not enough there to overwhelm the fortress.”

As I watched, now able to see thanks to Spivy’s gift, she may have even been correct.  The goblins were encircling the fortress, and even conducting some limited siege tactics where large boulders were being flung at the fort but nothing there would do significant damage to it in the short term.  

“Can they escape,” asked Shade.

“Yes, that fortress is only to stop smaller attacks, not a whole army.  They lift the bridge if it comes under heavy attack.  When they do so it will expose a dock that they can use to leave the fort should it come to that,” said Spivy, gesturing at the odd stonework at the base of the fortress.  The goblins could try to intercept them when they moved to the dock, but that would be under the watchful eye of the elven towers with no cover.

“They need to lift the bridge soon,” I said, and you could clearly see most of the goblins also understood they were never going to be able to assault the fortress so they were just running across the bridge instead.  Many goblins were dying in the process but enough were getting over that it was going to be a major problem soon.

“There is a rally point on this side of the bridge,” said Spivy as I focused in on that.  I recognized Lady Sylanada, who managed to limp up to the defenders with a handful of other elves.  I didn’t recognize those elves, but several of them looked worse than her.  

“She got there quickly,” I said, realizing that the other elves were probably King’s Agents who had been wounded earlier.  The fact that they were pulling out so many wounded agents was not a good sign, and the ranks of defenders were not nearly up to the task of stopping that many goblins.

“They don’t need to stop them for very long,” said Spivy as a wounded elf held up her staff and a bright green energy flowed from it.  “That will cause the bridge to lift up, the goblins will be flung into the river.”

“And the castle can handle itself,” I said, scratching Shade.  He whined quietly.  

“I do not have a good feeling about this,” said Shade.

The bridge glowed faintly and then a wave of energy flowed down it.  The bridge slowly lifted off of the pilings closer to town as it prepared to retract, then stopped at the middle pile.  That was the most massive rock, and also where the goblin alchemical pitch had been spilled.

“It is glued down,” I said.

Spivy’s eyes went wide.  “That’s not good.  That would have taken a… truck’s worth of pitch.”  

“Can’t they just make the branch lift off anyway,” said Shade.

“No, that would break the branch,” said Spivy and I looked at her like she was crazy.  

“That would be preferable,” I said.

“For the elves, yes, but that’s a tree, the tree doesn’t care if the elves are in charge or the goblins.  It will not break itself for their sake,” said Spivy.  “If the Druid was in better shape, she might be able to force it but her essence is flowing in fits and starts.”

“So the bridge isn’t coming up, and there are countless goblins out there,” I said looking over into the forest which was literally teeming with goblins.  

“You told her how to dissolve the pitch,” said Spivy.

“Yeah, but she didn’t get the materials to do that,” I said.

“How do you know that,” said Spivy.

“Because I’m looking at them,” I replied, gesturing to the parking area behind the auction house where a very large wagon was leaking out a puddle of potion.  

Crap.

“We might need to leave town,” I said.

“There is another problem,” said Spivy.

“What,” I asked, patients thin.

She pointed to the large, brightly glowing floating magical tower.  “She has the brass bell.  It would be nice to have it back.  ”

“Nice for you, maybe,” I growled looking at Shade’s disapproving eyes.  I calmed down.  “I thought you said it would be depowered after the conjunction.”

“Stygian relics usually last through the whole phase,” said Spivy.  I looked at her flatly and she continued, “That’s several different conjunctions, that’s why it is so valuable, it can even be reused.”

“Good to know, and praytell how do you expect us to get it back from the system lord,” I said.

Spivy shrugged, “You’re clever?”

“I’m not that clever,” I said, shaking my head.  “Worry about the immediate problems.”

“We should stay and fight the goblins, everyone needs our help,” said Shade happily.  

“Everyone,” I said.  I was an office worker.  Nothing I did ever mattered before, and now everyone needed me.  Everyone’s lives might depend on me?  

“You could die, we should go hide,” said Spivy.  

I mean, I could die, but that still didn’t bother me much.  A tiny bit now, but not much.  Almost anything would be better than going back to my meaningless existence on Earth.  I could be important.  Everyone needed me.  

“We could be heroes,” said Shade and I suddenly realized why people ran into burning buildings to save strangers.  

Hiking to the top of Mt. Whitney was not this fulfilling… 

I stared at my dog, “Those bastards will get what’s coming to them!”

Spivy looked at the both of us, “You are nuts.”

“Are you coming,” I asked.

“Of course, you have to save the town, but seriously, you are on vacation,” said Spivy.

“It's a working vacation,” I said.  

I started down the tree that moment, with Spivy and Shade following me.  Now that I was set to help these people, I was going to go all in.  I did wonder how I was going to explain to the elves that there was a dire threat approaching from the river when the bell started to ring. 

At the halfway mark, I lept off the side of the tree and brought my shields up for a superhero landing.  I slammed down, flattening the ground underneath me and rolling to my feet with both badly cracked shields still intact.  

“I’m getting better,” I said.

“You ranked up,” stated Spivy.

“I’m still drunk,” I said, realizing that the moment I shifted essence around.  I wasn’t as drunk as I was a few minutes ago, but I would need at least ten minutes of burning stamina to clear out all that alcohol.  Then I remembered my potions.  

“Try the dwarven stamina potion,” said Spivy.  I pulled it out and drank it without questioning her.  My buzz, and all the liquid courage of the alcohol burned away in an instant and I was left realizing I’d made a very stupid decision while drunk, and was sort of rethinking it slightly as a wave of purpose hit me.  

“I feel like I have to do this,” I said.

“That’s the dwarven potion working, it is like adderall, but for life,” said Spivy.  

“That’s handy,” I said, wondering what secondary effects my other potions had, aside from clearing pitch.  As I wondered, elves started sloppily shuffling out of the bar.  Quatax and Zorg emerged first, dragging Forenth behind them.

Hurple was being carried by several other elves, and I wasn’t even sure he was conscious.

“What’sch going on,” slurred Quatax.  

“There is a goblin army invading the city, they locked the bridge down so they can enter that way and they have already bypassed the fortress,” I said.  

The looks of outright horror on the elves' faces was amplified by all the alcohol.  I handed my three party members dwarven stamina potions.  Forenth tried to politely refuse and Zorg looked down on it like I’d handed him a rat.

Quatax considered for a moment, then drank the whole thing in one shot.  His head shook and he inhaled sharply, “Thanks Max, dwarven stamina potions make you sober and we will need that for the coming battle.”

“Namiestay forgive me… for wasting your precious wine,” said Forenth as he drank the bottle.  His eyes shot open unnaturally wide.  Zorg drank his and collapsed onto the ground puking.  

Fortunately, most of the normal elven patrons were not binge drinking after facing down an undefeatable foe, so they were just lightly buzzed more than full on drunk.  I handed Hurkle up his potion and looked at the elves.

“We need to help however we can,” I said looking as many of them in the eyes as I could.  “The goblins are going to breach the northern part of town and we will need to alert everyone and help out how we can.”

“Why should we help you,” said one of the elves, he had the longest ears of any elf there and practically radiated contempt as he spoke.  

I was about to respond when an empty bottle landed beside the contemptible elf’s feet and Hurkle sat up, looking at each elf in turn.  He opened his mouth, and then coughed slightly.  

“Sorry, throat was dry,” said Hurkle elegantly as he adjusted his brown and green leathers and checked the bow on his back.  He looked at his countrymen and shook his head, “You would die before battle is joined?  The goblins are at our gates and he has my bow.  We are taking every fighting elf with us.”

“Where to,” asked one.

“The ancient rally point in the north, ‘I send guard’,” said Hurkle in elvish, looking over the city.  “A red moon rises, Blood will be spilled tonight.  The Gnarly Woods is old, really old.  Full of memories and it is angry.”  A breeze came from nowhere, causing the elf’s cloak to flutter in the wind.  Hurkle looked like a warrior of legend.  

I was standing there, open mouthed, looking like an idiot.  

“But why should we follow him?” said a wise elf.  

“Because this is no mere human.  He is Max, formerly Heywood.  You owe him for the invention of tubie tots.”

The elves looked at each other then me far more curiously.  There was some questioning of going to war for a food they already knew how to make.  There were a lot of side eyes from the elves and several were edging towards the door.  

“I’ll teach you guys how to make heywood chips, they are amazing,” I said.    

I knew armies fought on the stomachs, I didn't know they fought FOR their stomachs.   The elves rapidly gathered themselves up behind Hurkle and began heading towards the ancient rallying point of ‘I send guard’ which was just a terrible literal name if one thought about it.  

As Hurkle left, I explained the rest of the plan.  

“I’ll tell the guild, I’ll get everyone I can ready for the defense,” said Quatax.  

“We’ll clear the streets,” said Zorg, gesturing at Forenth.  “If you are sure that will work.”

“We need to get that wagon onto the bridge,” I said.

“I’m not sure how you are going to manage that, the bridge is teeming with goblins,” said Forenth.

“Do not fear, I have a plan,” said Shade.  That ‘calmed’ everyone down, or at least confused them, and we went our separate directions.  Shade and I ran towards the auction house. 

“Surprised you are willing to fight for this city,” said Zorg, as he caught up with me.

“You live here and you are my friend, do I need another reason?” I said.

Zorg missed a step, “No, of course not.  That’s what any real friend should do.  Thank you, my friend.”

He split off with Shade and I ran over to the wagon.  I’d have preferred to do that part of the plan, but I had thumbs and the tank was leaking.  There were several small perforations in the side caused by flying debris, but only a small amount of the potion was shooting out in a fine stream.  

“Start off simple,” I said, grabbing an alchemical flash of pitch and slamming it onto the leak.  The leak stopped for about three seconds and a spray of recovery potion hit me right in the face.  “Oh, yeah, this stuff melts through pitch.”

I made a second patch using a piece of leather and some string from my pack.  It wasn’t potion proof, but it did reduce the amount of liquid escaping to something tolerable.  Next I ran to the nearby field and grabbed a pair of reindeer, who promptly tried to gore me.  

Grumbling, I activated my yellow light and led them both calmly over to the wagon.  With the light shining, they were more than agreeable to being led around.  When I released the light, both deers bucked but by then I had them harnessed so it didn’t matter.  

I could sense Shade getting closer as I attempted to navigate the wagon.  

“You are bad at this,” said Spivy, as we hopped a curb.  On wooden wheels, that was a concern, but not a critical one with how rugged the wheels were made around here.

“It's not like you could do it,” I said.

“I know how to drive a cart,” replied Spivy, her feelings hurt.  “Just because I’m a fairy in a squirtbit costume doesn’t mean I can’t do things to help.”

I was about to complain when Shade rolled back with an actual driver.  Gloria and her methed out ostrich never looked better.

“What’s going on,” she asked as a patrol officer walked over to see what was happening.  I looked at him for a moment, and Shade trotted over.  A moment later Shade returned and handed me a book.  

I started flipping through it in front of the officer.  He did not seem to care and it only took me a few moments to find the traffic light colors.  

“Alright people, we need to save this city,” I said looking at everyone.  “The goblins are attacking in mass, but their main attack is coming in from the bridge.  I have a way of closing the bridge, but I need your help.”

“Really?” said the patrol officer.

I nodded, “Yup, you are important, I need you to clear a path while I move this tanker out onto the road.”

“Are you stealing it,” asked the officer.  I glanced down at Shade.

“No,” lied my dog innocently.

The officer watched Shade for a long moment, “Okay, I’ll clear a path so you can use the tanker to save the town.”  

“I’m surprised that worked,” said Spivy.

“Basic psychology, tell people what they want to hear and they don’t question it as much, especially during a crisis,” I replied.  

“What about me,” asked Gloria.  

“I need someone to drive the wagon to the bridge while I gather up the free reindeer,” I said holding up the book.    

Gloria looked at me for a few moments and shook her head, “That’s dumb.”

“Well, it is the only plan we have, goblins are invading,” I said.  

“Yeah, there are more goblins blocking the other gates and my airship isn’t finished yet or I’d have already left town,” said Gloria.  “But I mean assuming you could gather up the deer from the gardens, you can’t do it fast enough by foot.”

That was a problem, I needed to be able to move faster to get the reindeer gathered up and I needed a driver for the wagon.  Then I remembered a conversation with a squirbit. 

“Okay, new plan!”