Chapter 40 – Windfall Manor

“I was a smoking hot twenty year old,” said Jarra as she examined herself in the mirror, “And you wanted nothing to do with me.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” I said, yawning.

“But now that I look like I’m in my late 40’s, and have been a hard-working peasant my whole life,” stated Jarra who looked like she’d been rode hard and put away wet, “You can’t get enough of me?”

I shrugged.  “What can I say?  I like ‘em experienced?”

Jarra glared at me and stomped back into my bathroom at Windfall manor and began to apply a truly prodigious amount of cosmetics.  The truth was that on Earth I was in my mid 40’s, and so was my wife.  I was so used to more mature women that if you didn’t have a wrinkle or two, I really wasn’t all that interested.

It was trickier with Master Perception, mind you. I knew Jarra before her imprisonment and seeing all of her physical traits transferred over to her older body had taken some adjustment. She was the kind of girl who tilted her head when she was thinking, and she was doing that a lot lately. Still, as she was diligently applying her cosmetics I realized that I didn’t mind a bit of mileage.

Mind you, EsterSasha was still way too old.  So was Jarra without me dumping a ton of healing magic into her quite frankly, but that was because without magic Jarra looked unhealthy.    With a proper regiment of Regeneration, Treatment and a Body Sculpting I managed to make her look and function like a healthy 40 year old.  For a few hours at any rate.

“How’s Badgelor?” I asked.

“Still unconscious, he overloaded his Mana Network when he did his Kaiju form,” said Jarra like that was the least interesting thing in the world.  “I have Healing Lore, and it is a known condition.  I’ve given him the proper herbs, it is just a matter of how long he remains in Badger’s sleep at this point.”

“He needs to wake up soon,” I said as I yawned and stretched my back.  “There’s a storm coming in.  I can feel the Dark Overlord approaching and we’ll need to be prepared when he arrives.”

Jarra sighed loudly and turned her head a bit, “There you go again.  Just dropping ominous quotes from the Book of Grebthar like you don’t even know you are doing it.”

“You liked me better when I was just Jim?” I asked, grinning at her.

“He was less cocky,” she replied, deciding that another coat of something was necessary to keep her skin moist.  Obviously just magic and cosmetics weren't going to be enough to keep her alive forever but so far things were working.

It wasn’t perfect, so few things were.  Worse, when I got really granular with my <Admin> skill I could tell she was slowly losing Radiant Mana.  At the current rate of progress she’d have six months or so, which gave me some time to solve this problem.  Assuming it didn’t get worse, which Shart assured me was a strong possibility.

Which meant I had to cheat.

“I could Bashara her,” I offered. “You know, do whatever it was the Sphinx was doing to Bashara to transfer her body.”

“Shut down,” said Shart.

“Seriously?” I asked.

“What do you think I’ve been doing for the past two days,” said the demon.  “I talked to Bruce, and he found the way the Sphinx was sneaking in and we plugged the hole.”

“You couldn’t have waited?” I grumbled pulling on my pants as I decided to use the guest bathroom.  Jarra wasn’t used to indoor plumbing, and so my toilet seat had been turned into an additional cosmetic shelf.

“Nope, I am required to report such massive breaches of the system to higher authority if they cannot be resolved,” said Shart. “I resolved it.”

“I’ll figure something out,” I grumbled walking into the guest bathroom next to Zorlando’s room.  You’d figure he’d have gotten his own place now because of him being a high-level adventurer and having a girlfriend he liked doing loud things with.

The girlfriend was also his best friend’s daughter, and the best friend lived here too.

Alas, since she got paid to swing by here to clean and still did so despite being an adventurer, that was not in the cards.  She had stopped even pretending to sleep in the maid’s quarters next to the kitchen at least and the guest bathroom was full of everything a young woman needed to look beautiful from makeup, to armor polish, to a knife sharpener.

There were also multiple mustache creams.  So many mustache creams.

At least the toilet was available, and I checked that both of the doors were very locked and got about my business.  Ordinal was not big on zippers, so I untied the drawstring for my pants and relaxed.  The door to the hall was safe, but I double checked the door to Zorlando and Ashe’s bedroom to verify it was locked.

Of course, that door flipped open revealing Ashe wearing not much of anything.  “You got mustache cream on the bed.”  She took a moment to slap my ass as she walked to the sink, bringing her hair into a bun on top of her head that shows off her figure excellently. She smirked into the mirror at my reflection, that’s when she realized I wasn’t Zorlando.

I waved, one handed.

She glanced down, “I figured you’d be circumcised given all the damage down there.”

“It regenerates,” I began.

“Let me fix that,” she screamed, pulling out three daggers as I darted through the only available door into Zorlando’s room.  It was spotless, the cleanest room I’d ever seen in my life.  The bed was even made and you could flip a quarter on it.  There was also a really strange looking swing in the room.

I didn’t have long to take that in, I got into the room a moment before Ashe did and I was still holding onto my pants with my free hand.  A dagger whizzed by my head and slammed into the antique bed frame.

“This is my house and I locked the door,” I bellowed.

“And I picked the lock before I walked in like a normal person,” she replied, flinging a dagger at me.  I was done.

I snatched the dagger out of midair, “This is my house!  I will not be disrespected here.  The door was locked!  Also, why is the dagger ticking?”

Ashe’s dagger, which I noticed had a small seashell on the side, suddenly discharged a truly impressive amount of electricity into my arm.  My defenses were great against most things, but I hadn’t really focused on Science much and that stung.

I barely managed to pull my head away as Ashe sliced at it.  I reached up and grabbed her wrist, my grip like iron so she drove her other knife into my gut. The tip barely pierced my skin, and I grabbed her other wrist. Ashe growled, reared up and drove both of her feet into my chest where I stood unmoving like a statue.

“As I said, this is my house and I am quite tired of being disrespected,” I stated.

“What are you going to do, spank me,” asked Ashe with a malicious grin, and her ass flapping in the breeze.

“No, we will have a serious discussion about boundaries and not picking the locks on my doors,” I began.

“How about instead, I just scream,” she replied, while still standing on my chest.

“I’m quite sure Zorlando would understand and your father thinks I’m nonfunctional,” I replied coldly enough that even the headstrong girl’s facade cracked. Of course, if she did scream Jarra would hear her and probably come running. And Ashe was only wearing a short tee shirt.

Then my untied pants fell around my ankles.

Damn it.

Ashe inhaled, and I threw her onto the bed. She got stuck up in a series of ropes tied to the bedframe. I didn’t want to think about giving me a moment to hop away, which was all I could manage with my pants around my ankles. I was able to leap up and grab onto the swing before flipping myself out the open venting window and onto a ledge.

She threw another dagger, which I dared not catch, and I hopped forward avoiding it.  Also, I didn’t have anything underneath me.  Windfall manor was a tall three-story building.  Charles preferred vaulted ceilings, and Windfall didn’t have central air, to a large extent, so my house was built with some high windows to let out the heat.  In short, I wasn’t just on the secondary story, I was way up on the second story.

I landed face first on the ground next to my toolshed, before having to roll forward to avoid another dagger.  Thankfully, my Flying skill granted me a perk that prevented me from taking any falling damage but still.

Ashe got to the window but was unwilling to step outside due to her lack of clothing and the audience clucking at her.  She slammed the window shut.  Examining the coup for a moment, I pulled up my pants and adjusted the sign that said “Jim’s Tool Shed” before I walked in through my back door like this was a perfectly normal thing.

“Jim, we are having breakfast,” said EsterSasha as I did so.  I had never replaced her as the cook, and Sir Dalton was glad for it.  He waved at me as I looked around the kitchen.

“Come eat, I’m trying these new grape flavored eggs,” said Dalton.  “They are amazing.”

“Is that mint?” I asked, sniffing the eggs.

“Yes, it is a new recipe, I’ll bring you a plate and some Wakeup Juice,” smiled EsterSasha.

I cut through the servants quarters and popped out in the dining room, which was technically something I shouldn’t be doing.  As King and Mayor I now found myself getting a host of additional attention when I did things that I would have rather avoided.

Dalton and Zorlando were busy eating eggs.  Zorlando gestured towards the blessed hot sauce and I sat next to him.  We discovered the hot sauce during EsterSasha’s star anise seasoning period.  Enough hot sauce and you couldn’t taste anything.

We still had some black licorice left over from that time.

“I used your bathroom,” I said to Zorlando conversationally.

“I was wondering why you were bleeding, you only locked the door I presume,” stated Zorlando.  “You have to put your foot into the door frame, that’s how she knows you are serious about keeping her out.”

“Is that why there is a brick in our bathroom,” asked SueLeeta as she shoved her fork into the egg, then carefully slid it under the table to her animal companion.  The poor creature might just be made of magic, but the pitiful expression told me he wasn’t enjoying the meal any better than anyone else.

“Yes, she likes to keep the place tidy and there is a schedule. Gods help you if nature calls outside of prescribed hours,” said Sir Dalton, scooping about half of SueLeeta’s eggs onto his plate and continuing to eat.

I examined the bacon and hoped it was edible today before trying a piece.  If you poured enough hot sauce on it, the food was technically not terrible.  That was important because as King, my breakfasts turned into a public event.  With EsterSasha cooking, you’d have to be a fool to ask for an invitation.

“Julia, you hungry?” I asked.

“No, I've had plenty,” said Julia, who was the only Falconian who showed up after the first day.  The Duke and Duchess both showed up the first day and didn’t know about the hot sauce.

“That’s not true, you only ate toast,” said EsterSasha dropping off a large plate of eggs for me and a smaller, fancier omelet for Julia.

“That looks good,” said SueLeeta, the liar.

“Oh, thank you,” replied EsterSasha as Julia’s eyes widened. “I had some extra mint and juniper, as well as that tentacle monster GloriousRobert caught, so I just threw it all in.”

“Lucky,” grumbled Sir Dalton looking sadly at his plate which had no fewer than three different colors of eggs on it.

Julia shook her head, “It is just wiser to be around in case you need me.”

To put it in the mildest possible way, my sudden arrival and subsequent passage of the Trials of the Lion had been minorly disruptive to the plans of the most noble of the Falconians.  The Duchess was upset that I finished them that quickly, she legitimately expected to have a few days while I did them. That hurt her standing, of course, but not nearly as much as my sudden Kingship.

While Julia was on the side of team Jim and she was still a person of some importance in her homeland, she did not want to see the historical rights of nobility ground underfoot.  My sudden elevation came as a rather serious blow to her princessly prestige.

Specifically, no one was sure if she was a princess anymore.

She’d been getting more and more reserved ever since I’d been crowned, and from what Bashara told me both the Duke and Duchess were attempting to get her to accept a role as their underling, and not a particularly high ranking one. It was getting bad enough that I might need to give her the Walker Orb back or exile the two nobles.

The Duke and Duchess were absolutely apoplectic since the coronation.  Fortunately, they were mad at each other instead of me for once.  The Duchess was supposed to contain the political situation while the Duke contained the military one.  While the sudden revelation of Grebthar being the Dark Overlord had given me the opportunity to outmaneuver her temporarily, she was already back on her feet and now a Cleric of Logan.

And a higher ranked Cleric of Logan than I was.

With her back in some degree of control, they were both back up to their old tricks.  Both were experienced enough politicians that they could complain in the politest language imaginable, but at the end of the day they were both anchors to my reign.  They, however, were not stupid and spent their time further readying the defense of Windfall making a removal of them impractical.

I hated politics, but I understood reality.  As did they.  If they gave me a reason, they were gone.  Unfortunately, they didn’t so they got to stay and be annoying.  I wasn’t sure how to handle them, so I sent Bashara after them, despite my reservations.  Her mission was to disrupt their political operations against me as much as possible while letting all the critical war preparations go along unhindered.

Right now, she was eating breakfast with the Duchess and would get back to me if anything serious happened.  I still didn’t necessarily trust her but having her sitting around bored seemed even worse.

SueLeeta finished her plate by carefully feeding everything but the bacon to her summoned companion. She grinned at me, and I grinned back.  The hunter thought of me like some sort of cute little puppy that grew up into a mean vicious dog, and the fact that I was in charge of the nobility was something she adored. Even better, according to her, was that she didn’t need to do anything to put those nobles in their place.

I would have my revenge though. If we all lived through this, I was going to give her a castle someplace.

“So are you still a Princess,” asked SueLeeta, far more directly than anyone else would have considered.  Getting into a fight to the death, and potentially saving her future husband’s life a few times, had mellowed SueLeeta on the Falconian girl.

“I honestly have no idea,” said Julia scooping the omelet onto Sir Dalton’s plate. He devoured it.  “My family were the keepers of the Walker orb, which Jim has on his person and has not given back.  Without the orb, we aren’t even technically a first family.”

“Do you want it back? It is getting used to assist treating Badgelor at the moment.” I asked.  I gave the Orb to Jarra.  Shart didn’t like me putting certain things in his belly, and some of the compounds that Jarra was using involved the demonic bits we’d gotten in Jersey. I still had most of the really powerful stuff in my personal storage, which was not connected to Shart, but that wasn’t transferable.

I wasn’t too concerned about letting Jarra borrow the orb. While I figured the Falconians would be 100% in support of anything necessary to keep the furry bugger alive, it did technically make Jarra one of the three highest ranked members of Falconian nobility.

“Not if you need it, I’m not about to go against the Mayor’s wishes,” said Julia, passively.

“I could upgrade your current weapon, I have a bunch of extra bits from Jersey,” I offered.

“If you think that is best,” said Julia. She frowned for a second then pulled out her Pure Rod of Suntouched Oricalcum and rolled it over to me.

· Pure Rod of Suntouched Oricalcum:  This rod is a component of a magical device.  The material is an excellent amplifier of Radiant Energy.

As most of Julia’s spells used Radiant energy, this Rod was the most important piece of equipment she still possessed. It was rare enough, and her build was focused enough that it was almost to the level of a Treasure of Rule, but not in the rod’s unfinished state.  I pulled out a magical gemstone from my storage and sat it next to the rod while I went through the rest of my inventory.

I heard the clink and noticed that the two items had locked together.

“Shart, what’s up with this?” I asked tugging on the two objects, but they were essentially fused. The gemstone was powerful, but in the wrong spot to really be effective.

“Well, Pure Orichalcum attracts magical items like a lodestone.  The overall attraction is pretty weak, but the more powerful the objects the stronger the force,” said the demon. “You have two tier five objects that are supposed to be connected sitting next to each other, Dum Dum.”

“That could be useful,” I said, banishing Julia’s rod into my storage before restoring it separate from the gemstone. Magical gemstones were the highest-tier components on Ordinal, and in fact each prong of my crown had a small one attached. The problem was that they could only be made in places with compressed Mana like Jersey, making them incredibly rare on Ordinal. So Badgelor grabbed a bunch while we were there.

· Orb of Extended Capacity: This gemstone increases the objects storable Mana by 500, base.

· Orb of Extended Reach: Spells cast through this gem have 100% increased range.

· Pear of Power: This gemstone increases the effectiveness of any spell cast by 50%.

Those were all base ratings of course.  To install them correctly into the rod I was supposed to need some sort of magical gem affixing device.  Those were very rare, complicated items and at the skill level I needed to install them, should have taken months or years to gather the necessary parts to build the tool.  I more or less just screwed them onto the sides using my Craftsman Needs no Tools perk.

The problem was that no matter how easily I could attach the parts, I was essentially trying to snap three very powerful magical components onto the same piece of hardware.  It would have been easier if it was a staff.  The rod was barely a foot long, and wide enough that I could wrap my hand around it and still touch my fingertips.

Using Mystical Lore, I tried to place the items, but the results were complicated.  All three magical gemstones were individually large enough to occupy the entire palm of your hand and they practically radiated power.  The two orbs were spheres, obviously, while the Pear was a pear-shaped gemstone. Duh.  I feel it was important to understand that because the obvious solution was to put the pear in the middle of the rod with the orbs on either end, but the pear was cut to fit against a flat surface.

That meant it went on the tip of the rod, but that brought in a balancing issue for the two orbs.  The optimum position was to have the orbs an equal distance apart on the opposite end of the rod, unfortunately when I tried that the amount of arcane power was too great even for Pure Suntouched Oricalcum, and the rod warped slightly.

Julia did not like that, but bit her tongue.

“Poor Julia,” said Shart with a chuckle.  “No material could conduct that much Magic.”

“I could just use one orb,” I considered.  That would be an improvement over the base device, but I would basically be giving her something that was only 2/3rds as powerful as it could be.  “Perfection is the enemy of good.”

“What?” asked Shart as I began adjusting the orbs.  Sure having the device at 100% would be great, but I couldn’t do that.  What I could do was get it as far over two thirds as possible.  The optimal amount of magic that the rod could actually processed turned out to be with the two orbs nearly touching each other.

The magical flux flowing through the rod was enough to make it warm to the touch, and I’d screwed up causing several parts of the rod to bulge as if was full of golden veins, but in the end I made it work.  I’d had to use a ring of stability on the end to manage the whole device, slightly weakening the pearl of power, but when I’d tried without it the end of the rod melted fusing into the pearl and causing the magical gold to flow up it slightly.

I could only manage to get the rod to slightly over 90% of its maximum capacity but it was one of the most powerful devices I’d ever made.

· Pretty Effective Nearly Incredible Spellcrafter:   This Pure Sun Touched Orichalcum Rod has been modified to include three gemstones.  Wielder’s base Mana increased by 1400.  Spell range increased by 297%.  Base spell effectiveness +140%.

“That’s a mouthful,” I said.

“Tell me about it,” replied Shart. “You may want to come up with a better name.”

Still, the finished item was incredibly powerful. You could tell just by looking around the room. Julia was stared at it wide eyed.  SueLeeta bit her lip. Zorlando glanced away and Sir Dalton was looking at it and then looking down thoughtfully.

“Is that supposed to look like that,” asked Sir Dalton as he resumed eating his eggs.

“What?” I asked, looking at the rod, Julia had both hands wrapped around it and seemed to be worshipping it a bit.

“Powerful magical objects tend to look like things in nature, and that object looks angry,” chuckled Shart.

“It is a fearsome weapon,” I said to Dalton.

“It is the most fearsome one I’ve ever seen,” said SueLeeta, Sir Dalton snorted.

“Talk to me later tonight and I’ll show you fierceness,” said Dalton.

“This is greater than the Treasures of Rule,” said Julia, cradling the weapon to her cheek.  Then she remembered her dignity and stopped.  Obviously, a princess shouldn’t be kissing her weapon.

Jarra walked into the room, brushed past Julia who ignored her, and sat next to me.  She smiled over at SueLeeta who was staring enviously at Julia’s new weapon.  “It is so thick and veiny.”

“With power?” I added.

“Yeah, that,” said Jarra, who had been ignoring Julia right back until she was captivated by Julia’s new toy.  The rod might as well just have been floating there.  “I just want to get my hands around it.”

“Because of how much healing you could do?” I continued.

“Yeah, sure,” Jarra turned to SueLeeta, “So how are things?”

“Good, good,” said SueLeeta, fascinated.  “Jim, you haven’t given me anything yet.”

“He only gave me one orb,” said Jarra uncomfortably. I’d have to give her a big package later, just what sort of package?

“I’d take anything Jim wanted to give me,” said SueLeeta, smiling at me oddly.

“I’m not sure that’s wise,” said Dalton defensively.

“Oh hush, I’m sure it will be great,” said SueLeeta, a bite of eggs holding unnoticed on the end of her fork.

“Please make it like an improved crossbow, little buddy,” said Dalton desperately as Jarra and Julia stared at the magical device.

“That’s because you take everything,” I replied, grabbing my old crossbow.  She waved her hand at me as I removed it.

“Make that as ‘powerful’ as Julia’s and I’ll stop,” she smiled.

I doubted that, but still I got to work.