Still Down with the Sickness (OOH WAH-AH-AH-AH)

Source: long since deleted so I'll just link to its Danbooru page.

Yeah, mono is a fucking bitch, and I'm still sick.

The fatigue is terrible. It takes so much effort for me to get out of bed (let alone chores like dishes and taking out the garbage, to say nothing of errands like getting groceries). I think 12 hours is the longest I've stayed awake since getting it (or more accurately, being symptomatic).

My ability to focus is utterly gone. It's been a struggle to play braindead video games, like STAR WARS® Jedi: Survivor™ (aka "Diet Sekiro™: Shadows Die Twice 2: Electric Boogaloo") or Dredge (which was honestly so good that I 100% its achievements, which I almost never do) and I would've literally kept moving in circles in those games if they didn't have a map I could set waypoints on. I easily lose track of what's been going on in a conversation.

The swollen lymph nodes on my neck are still there and making swallowing painful. I'm trying to get proper hydration and nutrition, but I'm disincentivized to drink water and eat because the pain is much sharper when liquids or food go down.

My entire body gets aches and pains, particularly at its larger ball and socket joints. HRT and the "I can't wear any of my old male pants" hips it's given me has already made sleeping on my side somewhat of an issue (much like the "why the fuck do I have a split cantaloupe on my chest" boobs have made sleeping on my stomach like I used to impossible), but it's now close to an outright insurmountable obstacle as I have to shift sides constantly and will wake up with pain.

All of these symptoms are pretty typical for mono, which is something I knew even before I got it, but the biggest surprise has been the memory loss.

There have been bits of those "lol XD you bimbo" moments, like forgetting to put a coffee filter into my machine twice in a row before starting it (creating a fucking mess on the counter I have to clean each time), but it's bad.

This is stuff like forgetting what I've said moments after saying it, forgetting what someone else said almost as fast, misremembering entire conversations, forget a conversation even happened, losing every item I don't leave in its specific place or a very visible one, not remembering ordering packages, getting what's in my fridge now confused with what was in my fridge two weeks ago, forgetting if I've fed my cats or cleaned their litter, frequently losing ideas and thoughts five seconds after they appeared in my head, losing track and forgetting what I was writing about or even that I wrote it, repeatedly looking for clothes in my drawers only to remember I moved most things to the wire racks in my closet to prevent any fleas I missed from laying eggs, forgetting what meds I'm taking or to take them, frequently getting the date and day of the week wrong, forgetting what I did yesterday, writing the same grocery list again as I forgot writing it earlier, and even things I'm forgetting I forgot about.

This isn’t depression, as my mood has been noticeably better since deciding not to socially transition. This isn’t the anticholinergic I've now been prescribed (as it can cause memory issues), as I’ve not been taking them for a week to test that theory despite the much stronger pain coming back. This isn’t my life getting more complicated after moving out and overwhelming me, as quarantining myself because of the mono and putting work on hold until I recover has greatly simplified my day-to-day planning. This isn’t hormonal ditziness, because not only do I know what that’s like and can confidently say this isn’t that but that this has persisted for almost 3 weeks now.

I've been told that mono can cause memory issues (and a study backs this up), but I've also found that mono can worsen the neurodegeneration from Parkinson's disease or Alzheimer's. This has made mono particularly dangerous to me specifically, as CBS is kind of the weird child of those diseases with overlapping symptoms.

I'm desperately hoping these memory issues are solely caused by mono and the brain fog will lift once I get healthier and trying not to worry about that mono leaving lasting damage or this not being the CBS itself, but I have OCD and can't stop thinking about the "but what if?" as losing my memory and going senile is one of my top 3 fears (just behind death and losing my ability to communicate with others or understand them).

As for when that "getting healthier" is going to happen... it's unfortunately up in the fucking air. The main symptoms typically resolve in 2-8 weeks after an incubation period of around 4 weeks, although the fatigue can linger for months. I myself simultaneously feel a bit healthier and a lot more sick, particularly with the effects on my mental state. I'm going to continue checking in every 2 weeks.

As guilty and frustrated as I am for being on sick leave as this sense of helplessness leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, I have to rest. There are minor things I can do (such as forum posts, bug fixes, and grammar/spelling checks as I reread things from my phone as I lie in bed), but as I am now, any writing for the visual novel itself I could force myself to do would be awful, and I'm loathe to spend significantly more effort and energy than normal to make content I know I'll need to replace as it won't meet my standards.

Until next time (and for the love of God, get your vaccines and mask up this winter).