Story of the Album (Attempt #2)

The previous post was more of a mindless word vomit than a careful articulation. For that I apologize. Let me try again.

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After numerous revisions (usually done in my home office late at night, and sometimes in the van on the way to a gig), the songs for album IV have been written and set in place. There are a few tentative titles for it.

One is Nowhere Chapel, which attempts to encapsulate the idea of God being everywhere. The problem with this, however, is that this is already a song title, and I've never had an album with the exact same title as a song.

Another possible title is In the Most Unlikely Places, a reference to a line in one of the songs called Don't Buy Green Bananas. This is a good title.

But at the time of writing, the title Nothing Less/Nothing More seems appealing to me. It's reminiscent of The Ridleys' 2nd EP, From Morning Light/Til Break of Dawn, which was a pivotal album for the band.

I love that word: pivotal. The band has had to change direction numerous times because of some external influence: lack of funds, a global pandemic, (and now, most recently) a band member leaving. These moments have always been good for us. Though we don't recognize it at the time, these changes lead us in directions that enable us to continue doing what we love and create new art that we never would have thought of if we had stayed in place.

But I digress, as I always do. We were talking about a possible name for our fourth album. Which of the three options should we go with? Is there a fourth that we should consider? I don't know, and that's okay. Right now, all we need to think about as a band is how to arrange, rehearse, and finally record these songs I treasure.

And as the songwriter, there are a few things I want to do before working on what will undoubtedly be an important album for The Ridleys. Mainly, I want to be able to articulate the message of the album to people who ask. To do this, I need to articulate the message of the album to the team working on it. Let me practice now.

Below is the story of each of the thirteen songs. At the end of these thirteen stories, I will attempt to sum up the whole message. And who knows? In the process, I might even come up with the final album title.

1. XXVII

Back in late 2023, I met a producer named Ace Santos (Ocho the Bullet) at a Halloween party in Martti's house. On our first hangout, he invited me to his house to write a song, which later turned out to be a song called XXVII (Twenty-Seven). The songwriting session lasted from 11pm to 7am.

XXVII is my way of introducing myself to Ace. It starts with me giving a brief profile of my parents and comparing my timeline with theirs. I was 27 at the time of writing, on my second month of doing music full-time, still figuring out what I felt about this life change. When Ace listened to my songs, he said that my songs had a "reverence for the past." I told him about my friend Lawrence, whom I lost in the pandemic. Throughout the songwriting session, I bounced from topic to topic as he wrote the instrumentals to support my storytelling.

At the end of the song, he asked me to make a thesis statement for the song. I came up with these lines: "I'm everything I ought to be, I've loved with everything in me." At the end of my life, I want to be known as a person who made the most out of his years here on earth, and who didn't hold back a single ounce of love. At the end of the day, I want to be a good person who overflows with love.

Yet this noble goal that fills me with anxiety because at the end of the day, I'm not a good person. I still lack in love. If twenty-seven was my last year, I would leave this life extremely with so much regret. This frustration isn't expressed in the lyrics, but I intend for the music to capture it.

2. Life Goes On

When I was six years old, I was too young to understand what my best friend Gerard was going through. He was seven years old, battling with leukemia. In the last few months of Gerard's life, I would always ask his mom, Tita Dess, if I could see him. She would always tell me that Gerard wasn't feeling well; I would always tell her that I'd come back next time when he's feeling much better.

I vividly remember the day he passed away. After spending a whole day at my friend Julia's house, I went with Julia and her mom to the hospital where Gerard was staying. When we got to Gerard's floor, Gerard's grandma was crying outside his hospital room shouting, "Gerard, bumalik ka na, Gerard. (Gerard, come back, Gerard.)" Seeing how confused I was, my mom led me to a hospital room, probably where Gerard used to stay, and I lay on the hospital bed while watching Looney Tunes.

"Where did he go?" I wondered to myself, as I stared at the cartoon.

A few hours later, everyone explained to me that Gerard had died. Back then, I didn't shed any tears; how could I cry about something I couldn't understand? Gerard's death didn't make sense to me. I knew old people passed away. My Lola Nanay, who passed two years before that day, was 94 when she died. Gerard, my best friend who still seemed so full of life, was only 7. I didn't understand how his death was possible.

It wasn't until 2023, when I was 27, that I remembered him and cried. I wrote the last verse in Ace's apartment sometime in early 2024. To this day, I wonder why God allows people to die so young. To this day, I'm still trying to understand.

3. Death by Design

Death isn't always physical; it could also be emotional. Maybe even spiritual. I experienced this kind of death in my late 20s, when I wanted to end my life. Every idle minute was spent thinking of ways to exit this earth. Even when I had started the band, seemingly happy, thoughts of death waited for me backstage.

During this time, I had a weird relationship with alcohol. While I didn't drink every day, all the time, I did drink when I wanted to end my life, having this faint hope that alcohol would ruin my liver. I fantasized about blacking out and never waking up. I wasn't so much an alcoholic as I was deeply depressed.

I wanted to end it all for reasons I don't really want to talk about it explicitly. Only one human soul knows my exact reasons, and even that person found out years after I had struggled completely on my own. While the album may give some glimpses into my private life, I never want to really talk about certain things. Some people think I'm an open book. But the truth is, my openness is controlled. I reveal only what I want to reveal. I'm sure there are people out there like me. It's for them that I write songs and albums like these.

"Here am I
Seeing ghosts of the past
Reminders of the mess I made
So I try
With my shame still intact
To die with every sip I take"

Death by Design is a confession to God about my private grief and how I want to end it all. Only God knows the ghosts I see during those moments. If anyone has their own private ghosts, know that God can see those, too. And he cares for you. For real. Only thing keeping me alive right now. Not music. Not people's adoration. God.

That's kind of what this whole album is about. We'll get to that in a few more tracks.

4. Someone Worth Desiring

I crave human touch. I crave human love. I crave protection and assurance from another human being. Sometimes, I don't care who it's from. There are just days when I need it. Badly.

The desire for connection seems ti be ingrained in all humans. Some people try to provide this for themselves by being strong and independent. But in our most vulnerable state, we know that we feel the need for another person. We do everything to feel this connection. We act a certain way, dress to distinguish ourselves, talk differently, go to social gatherings, all in hopes of meeting that one person who shares our same desire to connect. And when we've found that person we desire, we want them to desire us as well - spiritually, emotionally, physically. This mutual yearning, as frustrating and gritty as it is, is a human experience worth singing about.

Sharing the story of Album IV with others is a challenge. There's so much in here that just won't make sense unless you've gone through it yourself. I won't always have to share details about my personal life. You, dear listener, don't have to, either. Not everything has to be talked about explicitly. But if this is a song that anyone of you relate with, know that you're not alone. Know that you don't have to be someone you're not just to experience this connection.

5. Creature

This song is all about the superego.

Growing up in church, I was surrounded with a lot of "shoulds" in my life. I should be prim and proper. I should keep my desires and feelings in check. I should, as a male, "man up" and be strong. I should grieve properly. I should be selfless. I should be a good person.

Don't get me wrong. Rules aren't wrong. In fact, keeping rules and acting correctly is a good thing, as long as the rules make sense and promote the good of other people as well. Rules are there to make sure that my own freedom does not trample others', something that I'm guilty of doing.

But when the rules are too rigid, they can make you feel like a puppet, whose strings are being pulled by external forces. This is what I felt like in church. Instead of being a good human, I felt like a good mascot. I was a dead person inside a happy bee suit, making people happy just like I should. It's a funny image.

In the song, I pray for God to give me life again. But in that attitude of prayer, eyes turned to heaven, I see a distorted view of God. When I turned to heaven, I saw a semi-Lovecraftian deity who just wanted me to obey Him, just like I should. The God I saw was just a

Little did I know how wrong I was.

6. God in Outer Space

As I dealt with frustration, death, regret, desire, and grief, I reflected on the story of a God who became human. The story is a puzzling one. "It's crazy to think that God wiped his ass," Ace said when I told him about this album. Why would God choose to have an ass, be human, live in poverty, and love people who would never truly love Him back? Why would He choose to die on the cross for some cosmic ritual that offers salvation for imperfect humans like me? Why would He offer to help me get rid the darker side of humanity - frailty, guilt, shame, and sin - and follow His footsteps to be someone infinitely better? Not less, but more human? Why would God do all this?

Because of love.

Where else can we find the story of a God who loves us? I've searched and found nothing yet. Something tells me that I won't find anything else. So, why does a God of love allow these negative human experiences? Could God not have created the world without suffering? I'm not really sure. And anyone who claims to have a concrete answer might be lying. But through the years, I've learned that God makes beautiful things out of brokenness.

When faced with frustration, I am strengthened by Him. In God, it is possible for death to be the start of a new kind of life. Regret becomes an opportunity for forgiveness and healing. Desire finds its satisfaction in Him. And grief? Grief is an opportunity for God to reach out His hands and wipe the tears from my eyes.

Do I delight in these negative human emotions? No. But God's presence in my life helps me deal with these facts of humanity. In the next songs, I want to show you how that happens.

7. Waves

This a story about two people who were swallowed by the sea. First, there was a young man sitting by the dock of the pier, probably admiring the waters and the skies. Suddenly, a giant wave quickly swallowed him whole, leaving him with no time to react. He was never seen again.

Second, there was an old man who went on a beach trip with four of his other friends. They were good and upright men who wanted to be good husbands and fathers, the kind of men who deserved to live full lives. But one of them swam too far and was also swallowed by the sea. They found him the next day, floating lifeless next to some rocks.

Both these men believed in God. Why would God allow this? I can't give an answer. All I know is that according to Jesus, death is not the end. Those who die in him are just asleep. All the good they didn't receive in their life cut short will be received in heaven, in the presence of their God.

In my life, I have experienced waves of tragedies similar to this. My lola was taken from me. My pastor was taken from me. My father was almost taken from me, and in fact his years are now numbered. And yet in spite of all this, God met me in the waves, not just walking over them but actually swimming with me to the very depths. He assures me that in Him, death is the beginning of a new kind of life. In grief, I have reason to hope.

8. Lightness

People have asked me why I write songs. This song is the answer to that question.

Someday, my music career will end. What will I do until then? Write, write, write, and write. I told Ace just now, "Maybe heaven has a collection of all the songs ever written. Maybe no song is ever truly lost to time. That's one of my hopes." Someday, I want to sing before my Maker. If the career aspect of my music journey ends, I will still write in anticipation of my meeting with God, who gave me the gift of music in the first place.

9. Piranesi

"Piranesi" is a book written by Susanna Clarke. Without spoiling the book, let me tell you the parts that spoke to me. The book is about a man trapped inside a huge house with many halls and statues. The house seems to be in the middle of space, surrounded by stars and galaxies. Trapped might not be the right word to use, because the man is in love with the house - every corner, every sculpture, every vestibule. Even when the man left the house, he still remembers it fondly when he looks at his surroundings.

This is what the Word of God is like to me. The Word of God is my house. I search every nook and cranny, familiarizing myself with everything within it. In the enigmatic halls, I hear the voice of life that leads me through this life. When I look at nature, the city, animals, and people, I can't help but remember the words of God. People might ask me why I believe in God when I can't even see Him. I would correct them and say that I believe in God because I see Him everywhere. He wants to be seen and offers new eyes to anyone who genuinely seeks Him.

10. Don't Buy Green Bananas

Lolo Pito is my grandfather's last remaining brother. One time, he told me, "Benny, I'm so old, I don't buy green bananas." Try to think about what that means.

This song is about passing on wisdom from one generation to another. It's an encouragement that whether you are young or old, performer or audience, love will always find you in every season of your life. Music and community are God's gifts to me. I dedicate this song to the music scene.

11. Nowhere Chapel

If I could choose another name for the band, it would be this. (Not too far from Bryant's original band name suggestion, Hagia Irene, an Eastern Orthodox church.) This name encapsulates how uncontainable God is, and how He chose to reveal Himself to me outside church. I ran away from God and ran towards Him. During both times, God was always there.

I wrote this song months before Someday We'll Make a Home: The Ridleys' First Concert, yet the picture the song paints shares some uncanny similarities with the scenes of the concert that night. It almost feels like a prophecy, right down to the descriptions of numerous out-of-town gigs.

12. Finding You Feels Like I've Figured It Out

Joy. Pure joy. That's what thoughts of God make me feel. Call me corny, but I can't stop writing about Him. I used to think Gary V was corny for being too explicit about faith, until I experienced what I'm experiencing now. Jesus is my joy.

13. I Never Wanna Lose You (feat. Martti Franca)

A year before I pursued music full-time, I thought about God on the way to work. I was definitely not happy with my life back then, desiring to pursue music instead of a career in social media management. But I remember telling God, "Lord, you can take away music from me. You can take away anything. Just don't ever, ever leave me. I never wanna lose you." I remember tears falling down my face as I wrote the words to this song.

I asked Martti to write about his experience with God and was touched by how genuine he was. Though his experience is quieter, it is no less powerful. This song became a beautiful opportunity for us to talk about faith.

I hope this album will also give The Ridleys' listeners a space to think about these things.

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These are the stories behind the album's songs. Have I come up with a new title for the project? Not really. Nonetheless, I hope at least of these stories speak to you and meet you where you are.