The Story of the Album (attempt #1)

The songs are in place. Before we arrange, rehearse, and finally record, I want to be able to articulate the message of the album to people who ask. To do that, I should first articulate the message of the album to myself. I'll start by giving an explanation of each song, then end with a thesis statement for the whole thirteen-track album.

1. XXVII

Back in late 2023, I met a producer named Ace Santos (Ocho the Bullet) at a Halloween party in Martti's house. We got along well and ended up becoming friends. On our first hangout, he invited me to his house to write a song. The songwriting session lasted from 11pm to 7am. XXVII is the song we came up with.

XXVII is my way of introducing myself to Ace. The starts with a brief profile of my parents, and my habit of comparing my timeline with theirs. I was 27 at the time of writing, on my second month of doing music full-time. When Ace listened to my songs, he said that my songs had a "reverence for the past." I told him about my friend Lawrence, whom I lost in the pandemic.

At the end of the song, he asked me to make a thesis statement for the song. Why did I recount my parents' lives, my last year as a 27-year-old, and the friends I've lost? Why am I so conscious about my "job" as a songwriter? What is the source of my anxiety? At the end of my life, I want to be known as a person who made the most out of his years here on earth, and who didn't hold back a single ounce of love. "I'm everything I ought to be, I've loved with everything in me." At the end of the day, I want to be a good person who overflows with love. This is a noble goal that fills me with anxiety. Because at the end of the day, I'm not a good person. I still lack in love. If twenty-seven was my last year, I would leave this life extremely with so much regret. This is a sentiment I don't express in the lyrics, but I hope the music captures it.

2. Life Goes On

When I was six years old, I had best friend named Gerard. He had leukemia. Back then, I never understood what he was going through. All I knew is that at some point in our friendship, we had to start visiting him in the hospital. In the last few months of Gerard's life, I would always ask his mom, Tita Dess, if I could see him. She would always tell me that Gerard wasn't feeling well; I would tell her that I'll come back next time when he's better.

I vividly remember the day he passed away. After spending a whole day at my friend Julia's house, I went with Julia and her mom to the hospital where Gerard was staying. When we got to Gerard's floor, I saw Gerard's grandma crying outside his hospital room, shouting, "Gerard, bumalik ka na, Gerard." Where did he go? I wondered. My mom led me to a hospital room, probably where Gerard used to stay, and I lay on the hospital bed while watching Looney Tunes. Minutes later, my mom explained to me that Gerard had died.

Back then, I didn't shed any tears. How could I cry about something I couldn't understand? Gerard's death didn't make sense to me. I knew old people passed away. Just two years before this incident, I lost my Lola Nanay and cried over her. She was 94. Gerard was only 7. According to my six-year-old logic, he was 87 years away from death. Maybe he would come back, like his grandma was begging him to?

It wasn't until 2023, when I was 27, that I remembered him and cried. I wrote the last verse in Ace's apartment sometime in early 2024. To this day, I wonder why God allows people to die so young.

3. Death by Design

Death isn't always physical; it could also be emotional, maybe even spiritual. I experienced this kind of death in my late 20s, when I wanted to end my life. For my whole 20s, I had a weird relationship with alcohol. I wasn't an alcoholic; I was suicidal. While I didn't drink every day, all the time, I did drink when I wanted to end my life, having this faint hope that alcohol would ruin my liver. I fantasized about blacking out and never waking up.

Why did I want to end it all? Lots of reasons. I don't really want to talk about it explicitly. While the album may give some glimpses into my private life, I never want to really talk about these things. Some people think I'm an open book; in truth, my openness is controlled.

I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Death by Design is a confession to God about my private grief and how I want to end it all. Only God knows the ghosts I see during those moments. If anyone has their own private ghosts, know that God can see those, too. And he cares for you. For real. Only thing keeping me alive right now. Not music. Not people's adoration. God.

4. Someone Worth Desiring

The desire for protection and assurance is something a lot of us feel. Some people try to provide this for themselves by being strong and independent. But in our most vulnerable state, we know that we want another person to provide this for us. As prim and proper as I present myself to be, I'm no stranger to this desire. That's why I search for love. I wanted someone to tell that the future will be all right, and that I will be taken care of. I wanted to be wanted. Some might categorize this desire as feminine; I argue that it's a human desire. I am all too familiar with this yearning, and probably why I'm able to provide this kind of protection and assurance to the person I love, Sofia. She doesn't have to do anything for me to provide her with these things, because I know all too well how messed up it is to have to earn these things.

Sharing the story of Album IV with others is a challenge. There's so much in here that just won't make sense unless you've gone through it yourself. I won't always have to share details about my personal life. You, dear listener, don't have to, either. Not everything has to be talked about explicitly. But if this is a song that anyone of you relate with, know that you're not alone. Know that you don't have to be someone you're not just to be wanted.

5. Creature

This song goes out to my church. Went through a lot of painful experiences in that place, where I was told to "man up" and move forward instead of feeling things. There is some wisdom in reining in my grief, because I discovered that it's possible to grieve selfishly. If I grieve in a way that prevents everyone around me from doing the same, then I am doing something wrong. I should read the room and realize that everyone should have the same opportunities to express themselves as I do. There is value in being resilient, but there is a fine line between that and unkindness.

In an attempt to remedy this kind of selfish grieving, I went the opposite way. I called myself weak every time I cried, stopping myself from grieving things that should be grieved. I stopped myself from being a normal, functioning person. All the while, I built up this image of myself as a caring and understanding person, listening to people and giving them advice. I functioned as an image of an ideal church leader, caring for people and meeting their needs. Though that image had some semblance of authenticity, it also served as a mask. When people opened up to me, they weren't opening up to a person; they were opening up to a dead person acting very well as if he were alive.

At some point, I had to stop and accept that there was no more life in me. I was a puppet, whose strings were being pulled. There was no real life in me. I asked God to give me life again, but even my view of Him was distorted. I thought he just wanted to use me, like everyone else in church seemed to do. People in church saw my walking corpse and thought that this was the real me and gave me all these responsibilities and expectations. I thought God saw me the same way.

Little did I know how wrong I was.

6. God in Outer Space

The past five songs dealt with themes such as frustration, death, regret, desire, and grief. Where was God in all this?

Right in the center of all those human feelings. The story of a God who became human to show us that he understands is the only story that could help me make sense of these painful experiences. "It's crazy to think that God wiped his ass," Ace said one time. It's crazy to think that God would choose to have an ass. Choose to be human. Choose to live in poverty. Choose to love people who would never truly love him back. Choose to die on the cross for some cosmic ritual that I still try to wrap my head around until this day. All I know is that historical accounts of His life, written two years ago, tells me that He did this out of love. He loves us.

Where else can we find the story of a God who loves us? I've searched and found nothing yet. Something tells me that I won't find anything else.

Why does God allow these negative human emotions? Could God not have created the world without suffering? I'm not really sure. But the fact is, frustration, death, regret, desire, and grief exist.

But I've learned that God makes beautiful things out of brokenness. When faced with frustration, I am strengthened by Him. In God, it is possible for death to be the start of a new kind of life. Regret becomes an opportunity for forgiveness and healing. Desire finds its satisfaction in Him. And grief? Grief is an opportunity for God to reach out His hands and wipe the tears from my eyes.

Do I delight in these negative human emotions? No. But will I wish for a humanity void of these negative experiences, if it means I would have never experienced God the way I have? Never. Give me suffering, if that means experiencing Jesus. Let me tell you more about my experience with Him.

7. Waves

This a story about two people who were swallowed by the sea. First, there was a young man sitting by the dock of the pier, probably admiring the waters and the skies. Suddenly, a giant wave quickly swallowed him whole, leaving him with no time to react. He was never seen again.

Second, there was an old man who went on a beach trip with four of his other friends. They were good and upright men who wanted to be good husbands and fathers, the kind of men who deserved to live full lives. But one of them swam too far and was also swallowed by the sea. They found him the next day, floating lifeless next to some rocks.

Both these men believed in God. Why would God allow this? I can't give an answer. All I know is that according to Jesus, death is not the end. Those who die in him are just asleep. All the good they didn't receive in their life cut short will be received in heaven, in the presence of their God.

8. Lightness

Someday, my music career will end. What will I do until then? Write, write, write, and write. I told Ace just now, "Maybe heaven has a collection of all the songs ever written. Maybe no song is ever truly lost to time. That's one of my hopes." Someday, I want to sing before my Maker. If the career aspect of my music journey ends, I will still write in anticipation of my meeting with God, who gave me the gift of music in the first place.

9. Piranesi

"Piranesi" is a book written by Susanna Clarke. Without spoiling the book, let me tell you the parts that spoke to me. The book is about a man trapped inside a huge house with many halls and statues. The house seems to be in the middle of space, surrounded by stars and galaxies. Trapped might not be the right word to use, because the man is in love with the house - every corner, every sculpture, every vestibule. Even when the man left the house, he still remembers it fondly when he looks at his surroundings.

This is what the Word of God is like to me. The Word of God is my house. I can't help but reflect on Him when I look at nature, when I look at the city, when I look at animals, and when I look at people. People might ask me why I believe in God when I can't even see Him. I would correct them and say that I believe in God because I see Him everywhere. He wants to be seen and offers new eyes to anyone who genuinely seeks Him.

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There are four songs remaining, but I need to go to rehearsals now. Will continue this when I can.