About Stressemme the comic

Aaaah. Hahaha this is also how I started the comic. Aaaah. Okay.

Attaching photo of me crying while drafting the comic and then some photos of said comic draft and the first and last slides of the comic.

So many feels. Inside me. It feels like I've been living in total dismissal of my own life. Which is oxymoronic. And moronic.

My behavior towards myself infuriates me but I am able to control that by focusing on why it infuriates me and that is because I care about myself in some way and want to change. I know anger=caring is a problematic equation but in this case, its realization felt more like a step towards clarity and wanting to lead a healthier life.

I've cried while drafting the comic and have cried living what I wrote about and making it was daunting but cathartic. Like most of my comics of this sort, I feel like I haven't done justice to my experience. But I'm letting go of the doubt because I know I did the best I could to express myself.

I've done some digging of the past, especially childhood and teens, and a lot of my treatment towards myself and where I put myself in the world has been affected by it. I'm just glad I was able to track it down and understand myself. So many behavioral patterns that make sense because of incidents from the past which I thought were forgotten. The human brain is so cool and evil.

The comic is long but not too long. Long if you think in Instagram terms lol Everything is long and boring in Instagram terms. My discomfort with the instantaneity of social media is growing by the day and I often feel like I'm posting into the void but I'm grateful for the people who take out time to engage with my stuff. It means a lot because my posts haven't been reaching a good portion of my readers since 2019 and it's only getting worse with the shifted focus on reels.

AAAH. Okay okay. Moving on.

I mention in the comic how I feel like I've only just started to take myself seriously. I questioned this feeling as well. I don't think I'd have felt most of these feelings or had most of these thoughts if I were doing something else. If I was an accountant or a grocery shop owner. I think I internalize how some people didn't take my career in comics seriously and still looked at it as a hobby. When I know it is obviously more than a hobby lol

I've wasted time viewing myself through other people's lenses. I forgot what I looked like. And now that I'm seeing myself as myself, through myself, I'm relearning my features and understanding who I am.

I was scared of going on a break in fear of being forgotten when I return. There are so many cool artists out there and I feel incredibly dispensable/ replaceable sometimes. Why would people want to stay or look forward to my stuff/me? 

But I'm tired of thinking this way. The right people will stay. I don't want people who are not interested in my work. I want people who are interested in my work. It is so simple but gets complicated in my head. But it's high time I moved past this shitty insecurity. Sigh, abandonment issues.

+ I feel like I don't know my audience and so I don't know me. I hate how Instagram is making me feel negatively in my body. I want to diversify my platforms seriously this year. Maybe Tapas or Webtoon.

I also feel like moving away from autobio stuff and dabbling into fiction. This comes from my urge to move away from the internet as a person. But I also like sharing deep personal feelings that I don't see much of to help people feeling that way who feel alone. Let's see where I take myself. hehe.

I've probably said this before but I've changed my work a lot. For the better I'd say. It's like evolution. I can't keep doing the same thing forever but I really admire people who do that. I sometimes feel sad about the fact that I haven't been able to grow much on Patreon. I've been here since 2017 and haven't crossed a 100 patrons yet. The ugly comparison with other artists happens sometimes and it makes me doubt myself. But I remind myself that you people exist and you are real and not just numbers and you add fuel to my system. and i want to thank you for being here again.

I was studying other artists' Patreons as one of you suggested when I wanted to spruce up my postbox club tier rewards for 2022. And I noticed all the artists who had a decent number of patrons (200+, 500+) have been consistent in delivering their work in a particular style. Their signature style. So I guess that way, people know what to expect or are signing up for. This person draws apples and apples only and the supporter knows to expect apples from them. There will be an occasional orange but its okay, still a fruit.

But I feel like I've been giving fruits and birds and cooking ingredients and people don't know what to expect from me. If I'm being honest, even I don't know what to expect from me lol So maybe there's lack of reliability. But then doing different and many things isn't a bad thing! I like doing many things and I don't wanna put myself in a box of only comics. But I feel like I should get a bit business-y about this and strategize my career but then there's a stronger urge to just keep doing whatever I want however I want. AAAAAH we'll see. Where I take me. Again.

You people are so kind to me and some of you are unbelievably generous and GAH I'm crying now.

Thanks so much for reading. I'm gonna try and relax.

It's come to a point where when I relax my body, it feels so weird. Like loose shoelaces or something.

HMPH.

It's time to take the shoes OFF. I'm going barefeet! (maybe I'll put some cute socks on)

The End.