Monkey Jonathan: Glasses and clothing-shopping anxiety
Added 2021-05-02 02:37:51 +0000 UTCThis is a Patreon-exclusive post until a public reveal next month. Thank you Patrons for supporting this work before public release!
Hello there, all Patreon supporters.
The weather ever warms in Ogha Po'oge, and today a few steps from the front door all the springtime blooms could be smelled in abundance. No matter the time of day, mornings and evenings here in the high desert will be chilly to near-freezing. If you like wearing layers or changing outfits multiple times a day, and especially if you love a barrage of intense skies which include rainshowers, you will fall in love with this climate as I have.
My relationship to this place (also known as Santa Fe--though I clumsily try to prioritize indigenous names over colonizer names), necessitates something minimal--I own no physical possession (including clothing articles) unless it fits the KonMari method I implemented in 2015. Not only was my life in a huge state of flux, between an ending marriage and a long distance relationship in Switzerland, but I was coasting at the poverty line. Renting in Ogha Po'oge isn't cheap, as the walkable parts are solidly gentrified. When Sasha and I moved from hundreds of miles away, it was with the hope that our convention sales later in the month would secure rent for a few months. We still needed donations from time to time to make rent over our first two years, but we scraped by and loved the space as much as we could. I had only a few jackets, pants, and mostly tank tops for clothing.
Tank tops represent a moment in my life where I started purchasing my own clothes to suit my individual tastes, rather than trying to conform into some greater institution (like looking professional or passing as conservative Christian). It was with tank tops that I learned an Adult S was my torso size rather than M/L, even if the shortness of sleeves on other S articles required rolling. My sister's stories from travels overseas mystified me, especially when she described entire countries where people's clothing seemed to fit, a level of intention missing from American atmospheres. (Clearly these sentiments existed in the US, but please cut my past Midwest suburban self some slack.) My slender 29x31 pant size is uncommon in American stores, but with time I stopped buying clothes that marked me as the "baggy American" stereotype easily recognizable to foreigners.
- - -
I had an interest in fashion design, back in the late 2000's. There was something compelling about femininity dressed up in striking and powerful ways. The confident strides I'd see from (mostly women) owning a catwalk were in stark contrast to the visuals of purity culture, where interesting and well-fitting clothing had no place. I became fascinated by these gestures, and couldn't help but do studies.
At the time, my tastes were somewhere between "fashion illustration" and "Guild Wars 2", a seemingly incompatible combination that solidified my relationship to art directors as "Cool art, but not applicable to us."
In hindsight, women's fashion offered a few clear pulls:
1) Everything felt like a good painting on legs (at least when it wasn't trying too hard to be avant-garde.) Principles and elements of art that one could wear!
2) Everything fit. Baggy on purpose, almost impractically trim, flowing or tight.
3) It felt like the beauty of the model and the beauty of the wearable art bled into each other, rather than fetishizing a woman. (My fears of objectifying others beat the non-fashion desires out of me.)
Though I had a hard time offering details that felt complete, an art director position in an MMORPG startup allowed me the chance to do some fashion design. Here, I tried to offer a little more dignity to a previous metal-wedgie knight. The boob-armor was not my choice, but dear lord, I at least put some fabric under the metal! You can tell from some technical issues it's baby's first concept art, but at least I got to think about armour and costume interacting in physical consequence with each other. And I was putting in the extra work even if it meant sacrificing sleep, just like a real concept artist, right?
An artist I enjoyed eventually commissioned me for some fashion-inspired images. They even tipped me some to make up for undercharging myself! The one that gained the most traction was this image, in part because it was accepted into Spectrum 21. And if you made it into Spectrum, you made it.
This image gained some popularity online, especially amongst my favourite artists, who were often impressed by the strange marks and unrecognizable medium... but it never landed me any jobs. I was told this is called being an "artist's artist". It was equal parts encouraging and disappointing, especially as I was already poor and couldn't afford to pay my college loans or afford my marriage and living expenses.
I tried to invest this kind of energy into the furry fandom, where my influences put me far outside the "furry house style" marked by clean lines and vivid colours. Back in the early 2010's of the furry fandom, being inspired by illustrators rather than cartoons was still novel.
In contrast to fantastical art, "Making it" in furry is finding your art in a Youtube slideshow, during a violin solo in a Nightwish song. Print here.
This freedom to focus on energy instead of the highest technical polish possible granted me opportunities for viable sketch commissions that felt recognizable. Thank God there were people excited by these aesthetics. It seemed I could bring these aesthetics into a new space instead of waiting for game studios to tolerate my weird artistic idiosyncrasies.
Just throwin' on a hoodie. Wanted to see how hot I could make a clothed character for a client who typically went for nude pinups. It worked out! Print here.
As the furry fandom offered me the space to express myself, I began taking ownership of others finding me attractive sometimes. I started wearing clothes that fit me. And despite my peers in fantasy art and illustration liking my human work, I started leaning into anthro art as my career and means of expressing myself. With time I started deconstructing my relationship to artistic nudity and sexuality, and with it I pursued nude figures any time the opportunity presented itself.
- - -
Long time supporters here will know that I got a lot of the artistic nudity out of my system. So what's left, in my relationship to fashion?
That's complicated. The fashion industry, I learned, is the single most wasteful industry we have. They burn surplus of perfectly good clothing to promote artificial scarcity, high-end labels are steeped in the worst parts of capitalism: extremely high prices with slave labor in other countries receiving pennies of the generated capital. It's such an ethical clusterfuck that buying a Bella+Canvas tanktop and shopping at secondhand stores seemed to be the only way to reduce my collateral in this horrible system.
The soft, perfect denim that fit me perfectly in 2019 are now stretched out, the crotch blown and holes formed in the thigh, as is the fate of all my jeans. They're camping jeans now, not something I wear to feel better. As my only pair of denim at the time, my reflection below the waist often looked like the old Jonathan whose mother picked out clothing for him. Oh, how I I held contempt for that image in the mirror.
Recently, I purchased two pairs of pants, a patrol cap, and a jacket. These are the first clothing purchases I've made in years, save for one tank top and one jean pair in 2019. Since Monkey Jonathan exists as an autobiographical expression, I thought showing a bit of my new jacket and jeans would be a useful thing for me to reflect on in graphite.
I'm interested in drawing this outfit more. I chose it in part because I thought it'd make for a good drawing, but also because some features are subtle compromises of my physiology. I'm not crazy about the fake zippers on the jeans, but the ones exposing the knees mean I'll never blow out my knees with this pair! I'll choke on the dated design choice for that reason, especially if black leggings underneath make it a little less visually offensive. I even bought a blue pair, just to go outside my comfort zone. I hadn't worn blue denim in about thirteen years.
These new jeans were biker pants were purchased on eBay, ordered and shipped from Hong Kong. That has a big carbon footprint attached to it that I am not proud of. The jacket was shipped from New Jersey, but made in China. I tried so hard to find clothes that fit me that were sourced ethically, but I couldn't do it. My denim search was further complicated in trying to avoid leather. I put off this clothing order for nearly a year for that reason, because I was so scared of doing something that would contribute to a bad thing. I think these jeans have leather sewn into the ridges, where the photos left me expecting black-dyed denim. If I return these, they likely will end up in a landfill, so they are my jeans now.
My housemate Eric is really getting into hats and coats. It's been encouraging seeing his fashion tastes develop since moving in with us, and inspiring to see his real-life fashion make it into his sketches. I want more of that in my life, because it's a kind of refreshing honesty I crave more from furry art. I especially want more conscientious discussion and imagery of clothing that is wrestling with this topic of slavery, since fashion at large can't exist without stealing from others.
- - -
And finally, a note about glasses.
I chose to draw my glasses with this outfit because I don't like wearing them, but I must. During COVID, I'm stuck with an out-of-date Rx that can't be used to update my contact lens orders (or at least, it's illegal to sell those in the US). Sasha and I have been talking about corrective eyes surgery for years. Despite the cost, I want it. I hate feeling like I'm a single punch away from being legally blind in a fight. I hate that I can't sprint or move organically without these falling off my face. The glasses might work with the hat and hood, but with any other combination I look like too much of a dork for my own tastes. It's one of many things that simply feel out of place on my body, so I hope it's remedied sometimes in the next few years.
For now, I don't want to focus on the maybe-leather in my jeans, or how the glasses remind me of 2012 Jonathan, or how said glasses broke last week when my pull-up bar hit me in the face. I want to focus on how Eric soldered my glasses together after they broke--three times now--and how Sasha wants to help pay for a surgery that will let me feel better in my own skin. I am loved and supported in a home with a mortgage instead of a monthly rent payment. I am supported by patrons. And even when issues of the fashion industry are too big for me to fix, I can at least share my concerns with you all and continue to draw my experiences.
Love,
-J
PS: The graphite drawing wasn't very large IRL, but enjoy the high-res file attached to this post all the same!
Comments
Yeah, that's just as preposterous. No one should expect someone to know their sexual orientation just based off of what they're wearing. Or even gender, for that matter, realistically. Probably not much of a way around it, because people instinctively make assumptions about people based on appearance. People who are more self-aware can of course check themselves and recognize what assumptions they're making and ask themselves why. What environment did you grow up in where uniforms were mandated, if you're comfortable talking about it? That comment made me think of when I was a kid, was in Catholic school. Uniforms in and of themselves are an interesting cultural topic. On the one hand, restricting individual expression, but on the other hand being an equalizer in some respects e.g. people don't know what your income bracket is if everyone's wearing the same uniform.
2021-05-06 22:20:52 +0000 UTCSomeone I follow on Twitter was expressing outrage once that someone couldn't identify their sexual orientation (lesbian) based on their clothing. They shared a photo of the shirt they were wearing and said no way a non-lesbian would wear it. They weren't being ironic, either, it was 100% genuine. It made me really uncomfortable because I seriously have zero "gaydar" as it is, and I don't like the idea of having to box people into one identity or category or another based on what they're wearing or what they look like. I've been surprised way too many times in my life after getting to know people that I've learned that what's on the outside might be an indicator of taste or personality, but rarely of anything else. And plenty of people, self included, may have grown up in environments where uniforms were mandated and never got to explore fashion while developing their identities (any part of their identity/personality), or were cat-called and harassed from an early age and deliberately dress down or try to be as nondescript as possible so as not to draw attention of any kind. Anyway, thanks for sharing your perspective, you clearly got me to think quite a bit. I hope you get to wear whatever you want and explore who you are and how you want to look as you please.
Abandon Ambition (formerly Zelaphas)
2021-05-06 09:07:26 +0000 UTCReally like what you have to say regarding the clothing we wear. Another aspect of that is how gendered everything is. I've known a lot of guys who, in spite of being comfortable being men, like some things that are considered more "feminine" in modern, Western culture as far as clothing or fashion are concerned, or who lament the choices men are given as culturally acceptable clothing choices versus what women have access to as far as social acceptability. Ironic considering that in a lot of non-human animals it's usually the male that is more colorful and visually striking if sexual dimorphism is present. Also ironic considering a lot of what is now considered women's fashion was originally for men, like heels, or for everyone, like corsets. And yet in our culture we have people reacting with outrage over Harry Styles wearing a dress, and I also personally know a guy who literally had death threats yelled at him by strangers merely for wearing black nail polish. I've had my own troubles figuring out clothing. I'm AFAB and have been wrestling for over a decade with the likelihood that I'm trans, trying to decide what to do about it, and have finally been experimenting with clothing in a meaningful way to reflect how I see myself, but it's difficult finding something that fits while minimizing the feminine features of my body, that still reflects my personality since clothing in and of itself can arguably be an artistic expression of identity, while also hopefully being as ethical as possible, and something I can afford. There's the added layer of people usually reading me as butch lesbian instead and being surprised and in disbelief over me being married to a man since they have trouble separating gender identity and sexual orientation. Have considered trying to learn to make my own clothing, but that would require an investment of time that I need to devote to other things. Anyway, like what you had to say. Also really inspiring reading about this aspect of your artistic evolution and how you've navigated some of the difficulties that come from having a very unique art style.
2021-05-03 15:04:03 +0000 UTCThat was quiet a read. I'm impressed by this "artist's artist" definiton you have mentioned. It's been common for me to see a lot of artists (in every field) talking about how having all of this followers and being an inspiration to other artists and people didn't bring them the economic profit they needed. The possibility that even good recognition doesn't get you a job it's kind of scary.
Mostach88 - LucasG
2021-05-02 15:04:19 +0000 UTC
