Toxic Positivity: When Nice Isn't Kind

This is a public post.

Greetings, Patrons and public! This one has been in the works for a few months. Before we begin, I wanted to thank my patrons for sticking with me. I couldn't have written this without y'all. To the rest of you, welcome!

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0. You Are Loved <3

This post begins, as all good stories do, with getting banned from a furry group chat on Telegram. A few furries and I were talking about one thing or another, when we were suddenly interrupted by another member who had just hopped online:

“Guys.

Guys.

I just wanted to say…

…

You are loved. :3

That is all <3”

I do not know this person. I doubt they knew the other group members well. Still, they shared this for a reason. If this was your group chat, how would you have responded? If you were just a regular but not an admin, maybe you’d react with a heart, or maybe you’d ignore it. Maybe it would have been something you felt you needed in that moment, and you’d take the time to share your appreciation. Whenever I see this kind of thing play out in my own online spaces, I respond the way I did in this group chat (paraphrased, I’m sure):

“Thank you for saying something so nice. If I could ask, what does ‘love’ mean to you? It’s a very important concept to me, and I value hearing exactly what people mean when they tell me that they love me so I can better appreciate their words.”

This threw off everyone else in the conversation. The person who wrote the positive message felt like I was dissecting their compliment, which made them too uncomfortable to stay in the group chat. Two other members, including the group admin, were angry at me for punishing someone who was just trying to be nice to us.

Some of you are already reading between the lines, but I expect most readers—and most furries especially—to be somewhere between confused and bothered by my action. Why the hell would I ask someone being nice to explain themselves to me? Can’t I just take a compliment, or maybe shut the hell up if something wasn’t for me?

As soon as the member left the group chat, I sent the forlorn furry a DM:

“Hey, I’m so sorry if it felt like I was attacking you or being dismissive. I’ve been around a lot of those kinds of out-of-context compliments, and in my experience they tend to come from people who are trying to share positivity that they could really use right now. More than feeling loved, I want to know: are you doing okay at the moment?”

This person was not doing okay. They admitted that they hadn’t been okay for a while, and that it was easier for them to spread love in a group chat than admit out of nowhere that they needed help. According to them, I was the first person in their life to respond to their compliment the way I did. I told them that check-ins like this are normal in my online spaces, and sent them an invite link to my Discord. I am not sharing this story to elevate my own image. Rather, I’d like to focus on an important question: how was I the first person in someone’s life to do this?

I. I Want To Try Everything

My community has a running gag around the phrase “Try Everything”. You know, like the Zootopia song. One random furry I met in VRChat (let’s call him Wuffsky) said to “Try Everything” was his life’s ambition. In his case, what Wuffsky meant by “everything” was going to a furry convention, getting a fursuit, commissioning art of his fursona, and maybe attending a panel. If those feel important to this furry, I want him to have all that. Also, Wuffsky, My brother in Christ, your “everything” is a tiny percentage of the good things you could have.

Twitter brain / Editor’s note: I picked “Wuffsky” as a name only because it sounded like a typical furry name, and I (correctly) assumed there would be many furries named “Wuffsky”. I don’t know a single Wuffsky personally, and any shared name is purely coincidental.

Above: List of common furry priorities, not necessarily ranked in order of importance

Alt text: Hand-written list. Header: TRY EVERYTHING. Bullet points: -Get a fursuit, -Attend a furry con, -Go to a rave, -Find a mate x3, -Kill the cop in your mind, -Direct Action with mate >w>;; , -Seize the means of production. Assorted character doodles surround the image.

It’s a safe bet that Wuffsky lives an unsatisfying life outside of his time in Furry spaces. If he has a job, it’s probably not thrilling. He probably doesn’t have a lot of connections tying him to a real community. He’s probably just really excited to get some fun and color in his life. If he ever does get his fursuit, it will probably be with the intention to be more outgoing as a person while also making people smile. He’ll probably have fun. He’ll probably become more outgoing. He probably will make someone smile! None of that is bad, in and of itself. It’s also not everything.

III. What Is Your Purpose?

There’s an underlying question here worth asking: is there anything more important than Wuffsky’s current goals? If that question seems like it’s not my place to ask it, you might have a point. I don’t know Wuffsky. He probably doesn’t care what I think. No one but Wuffsky should have a say in what counts as important.

Counterpoint: fursuiting just won’t be that much fun without potable water.

We are in the middle of a Mass Extinction Event with man-made origins, affecting who and what gets resources needed to exist. The people responsible for these awful problems—including those who could change policies to stop this but choose not to—have names and addresses. (I’m just mentioning that so you can vote! ^-^;;) And this isn’t even mentioning the issue of human rights affecting Wuffsky. I really, truly, do want Wuffsky to experience the joys the furry fandom has to offer him. But his life is so much more than having fun. What do you think happens if every furry “tries everything” but none of us learn about civil rights, the environment, or anything else with practical impact on our world? What happens is the status quo plays out. Currently, the status quo is not protecting your civil rights, nor is it advocating for a sustainable relationship with our non-human relatives (to use wording I find powerful, in hopes that it is not appropriation). The status quo conflates “trans” with “drag”, and “furries” with “LGBTQIA+”. Wuffsky’s gonna learn soon enough that his identity is already heavily politicized, if not merely by association, and he’ll have to choose between building a future with his friends or going back into the closet.

IV. Wuffsky, You Really Are Loved

Taking the piss out of Wuffsky for turning away from conflict is not the most helpful response. In fairness, you don’t need to be Wuffsky to hate thinking about this stuff. Thinking about how fucked we are takes energy, but I don’t think it takes me the same kind of energy as it takes Wuffsky to hide in the closet from his bigoted family every single day. This is why I really and truly think it’s important that Wuffsky gets to Try Everything on his terms. He really does need a break from his bullshit job and his bullshit homelife. He needs a break from his breaks, too, these superficial platitudes that may keep his head above water for now but will never bring him stability.

You cannot yell economic truths at Wuffsky to get this to click. If you want Wuffsky to have the spoons to expand his Try Everything list, you personally need to step up and help change his sense of community and, ideally, his material conditions. If Wuffsky lacks the more superficial relationships that will help him reach his everything, how could he ever know what more he could have? You need to love him because he is Wuffsky, and because you need that kind of love, too. You are not more deserving of love than Wuffsky is, and you are both on the same sinking ship.

Regardless of his current friendships, Wuffsky is loved. I love Wuffsky, right now. He may not be real, but many of us are Wuffskies or know Wuffskies firsthand. When I say Wuffsky is “loved”, I am declaring a desire to know who he is, to value his well-being intrinsically, with respect to his vast complexities I’ve yet to discover. I am not going to wait until Comrade Wuffsky’s cringe-proof ideology emerges to sit with his pain and to think about him when we’re not together. I accept that Wuffsky’s life—and his freedom—are intrinsically tied to my own. The more brokenness and pain I see in this world, the more I love Wuffsky and desire his freedom from all the bullshit dragging him down.

If all of this—wildly gesturing around the rhetoric—is what “you are loved :3” means, then spam the fuck outta my group chats, my dude! It’s not impossible to set this standard in a community. There are plenty of different kinds of love, and I want this type of love in particular normalized in the world, starting with Furry. If “you are loved :3” is merely saying, “I’m trying to be nice, don’t un-live yourself please,” let’s treat that like the morsel it is rather than the sustaining diet we need in our interactions. You don’t have to reduce love to trivial smalltalk. If you want, set that boundary and watch what happens in your life. The people who don’t love you will be put off, and the people most willing to love you will be attracted.

V. If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say…

It’s not uncommon for livestream chatters to be affirming or gimmicky in their first messages of the day. One new viewer in my stream greeted everyone by saying, “Hey all you sexy people. :3”  I asked why we all counted as sexy. “All furries are sexy! :3” they said.

You know, I don’t think that’s true, and I don’t believe you actually think someone is sexually attractive just because they like anthropomorphic animals. I want to be sexually attractive in certain contexts, but others don’t really want that at all. If you find a streamer to actually be sexy, okay. Read the room and compliment the streamer if it’s actually welcomed. But please don’t say things just to say them. I said as much on camera.

“Don’t say things just to say them,” is a rule in my chats for this reason. If you compliment someone, do it because it’s on topic and you truly mean it. Don’t do it because you want to be liked or because you want someone to feel good. This is prioritizing instant gratification over building something real. Personally, I don’t want that superficial energy anywhere near me.

That limit is for my protection, too. As a streamer at the mercy of parasocial relationships, I want viewers to know that I actually do care about them as much as I possibly can, and I expect interactions in my space to be equally caring in turn. I don’t want us to be nice because being nice is nice. I want the kind of friendships--online or offline--where I can trust them to fuck me up when I deserve it and comfort me when I need it. I don’t want an audience, I want reciprocity.

VI. …Don’t Say Anything At All

Some of my favourite people and I share one fear: secretly fucking up while nobody bothers to tell us. People only have this fear when they don’t mind changing, when they want to change for the better. This fear is validated each time we see call-outs happen in favor of call-ins.

Call-ins are not definitive. Their purpose is not to say, “YOU FUCKED UP”. Rather, call-ins are opportunities to share context and to communicate concerns.

Call-outs are definitive. They are public confirmations that a person is not to be trusted. If we were all adults, call-outs would never, ever, ever be used before call-ins.

Neither of these things are nice. It feels especially uncomfy to do a call-in. This is also what makes them so profoundly important to execute. Our brains are already collectively damaged. We can use this to pad our desire for conflict avoidance, or we can rip off the bandages and fight against these parts that do not serve humanity well.

When you know you’re supposed to do a call-in, and you don’t, at least one of these things will play out:

1) If the recipient turns out to be an abuser, you just postponed a very necessary call-out. Their continued abuse did not happen because of you, but your conflict avoidance means now share responsibility for an increased extent of abuse.

2) If the recipient is a good-faith actor in an honest misunderstanding, you missed an opportunity to protect an innocent person. Miscommunications will build momentum each time they’re shared, which could lead to an unwarranted call-out. Again, that didn’t happen entirely because of you, but that is now partially your fault.

3) If the recipient isn’t in an obviously innocent or guilty role, you still missed the opportunity to collect a valuable testimony. This could have been compared to other testimonies in a timeline to clarify one’s intentions.

Being the strongest version of yourself is a lifelong practice, and the only way you strengthen these muscles is by exercising them. Your response to each conflict determines who you are. No, you are not perfect. You have trauma. You have social anxiety. Those things are exactly why proving yourself is so important. Brushing your teeth in the morning isn’t usually courageous. When you want to sleep the whole day away because you wish you were dead, getting up to brush your teeth is the bravest thing you could ever do at that moment. Your ability to get out of bed and show up for others has an impact on so much more than yourself!

Call-ins and direct communication never stopped being a little scary or uncomfortable for me. My anxiety has not disappeared. Yet, in some ways, it’s easier than ever before. How is that possible? Because the more you invest in others, the more you have to gain and to lose. The positives drive me, as do the preventable pain and loss brought by conflict avoidance. I don’t like getting screened for cavities. But do you know what I hate more than that? Needing to get eight cavities removed over two days.

VII. Wuffsky is not an NPC

By this point in the article, we’ve obviously abandoned the more playful tone at the start. Just like that first person typing “you are loved :3”, the warm fuzziness of this writing was packaging, dressing up a difficult life in a difficult world. No one wants to be scared of getting canceled for an unforeseen slight. No one wants to feel misunderstood and alone for the rest of their lives. That’s precisely why this topic excites me to no end. If this is the first time you’ve unpacked toxic positivity in your own behaviors, and you choose to go beyond it, some seriously cool stuff is waiting for you.

If you trade the autopilot “hi how are you” for “how are you really?” watch what it does to you over time. Your life will not be free of problems, but I can guarantee your life will be deeper. Your curiosity and openness will be contagious to some and repulsive to others. With time you will find many common interpersonal problems—furry or otherwise—won’t follow you like they used to. You are playing an Adventure RPG with many branching plot lines, character stats, and endings.

And here comes NPC Wuffsky!

Alt text: Digital Painting of Mass Effect character responding to Wuffsky, a silly fursuit character, with potential dialogue options: “you are loved :3” - OMG :3 - You too! - *Ignore* - Investigate “loved” (blue option) - Jaw lock on my knot, idiot (red option)

In this game of life, I don’t think most people have that blue option unlocked yet. I don’t think they think a lot about what kind of ending they’re playing for. In both cases, it takes nothing more than imagination and genuine interest in those around you. For all you know, Wuffsky was an unlockable character, and his story arc includes one of the best weapons in the game! Or maybe Wuffsky isn’t unlockable, but encouraging him to express his needs opens up a whole other side plot in the future. In my life, that kind of thing happens constantly. Of the thousands of people you may meet at conventions or in a Twitch chat, any one of them could change your life completely. Keeping that in mind changes you.

I know it’s weird to care this much. Life has taught some people that the appearance of caring this much must be an abuse tactic. In the past, misinterpreting my motivations has severely damaged me. After taking time to heal, I have decided to not let that change how much I care. After watching so many of these “side quests” unlock, I am loving my current playthrough of life more than I fear misinterpretation or toxic lies. Yes, I still get anxious, scared, and depressed. I’ve lost loved ones. I’ve seen awful things I may never forget. I self-medicate. I spiral. I also experience things so precious there’s seldom human language for it. I feel awe. I see the moments my past self wasn’t ready for the things I now enjoy. I have legitimate fears while also feeling so fearless that I couldn’t imagine feeling more free. I am not a lone carelord wolf. I pour into others and others pour into me.

VIII. How are you really?
Wuffsky probably wants a furry mate. A sexy and playful doggo who loves him for who he really is, but isn’t afraid to be aggressive when he needs to be. >:3

Expanding on this is for another article, but for now I must emphasize that the realness necessary in a friendship or online community is absolutely necessary in a committed romantic partnership. This blurring of lines is observed in healthy models of polyamory, where multiple close relationships of differing dynamics necessitate proactive communication. Multiple partnerships make it much more obvious when something is not working out. This can be seen as unnecessarily complicated, but living polyamorously feels simpler and more intuitive to me than when I was performing monogamy. I’m not here to convert you to the shape of my family model, though I honestly have no clue how people manage friendships or relationships without the standards I hold. I could never imagine holding these standards a decade ago, and today I couldn’t imagine any other standards.

I’ve been thinking a lot about what relationships and family mean to me. Though I am now married to someone I’m excited to live and die next to, I’m not interested in settling for a good marriage. My partner and I want a real sense of community that clicks into a network of other communities. We want to find everyone who is willing to be as strong as they can, given the circumstances. We don’t just want inner strength for the individual, but being strong for others. Despite the odds, I think Furry is a valuable place to start placing those building blocks. I’m going to keep at that until I think it no longer applies.

If this topic of skirting toxic positivity and building accountability feels important to you, I have a request: link this article to the people you care about, or at least have a conversation with them on the topic. Ask if they ever got a “you are loved :3” and how they responded. Ask if they ever had to settle for writing a “you are loved :3” because they couldn’t quite figure out how to trust others. Let them know that they’re more important to you than avoiding something sad. It’s unkind to settle for being nice when someone isn’t okay.

Did you try everything yet? If not, will you ever get to? If so, what’s left for you now? If you could have something more than happiness or entertainment, would you join others in building it?

If having a future that is sexy and/or fun sounds better than treading the water of toxic positivity, welcome aboard! Come hang out in my Twitch streams, learn about the Mutual Aid Network we’ve been putting together, or read the backlog of free Patreon articles I wrote.

If you like topics like this and want to make it a little easier for me and my family to keep building the thing, feel free to pledge a couple bucks. The lowest tier is only about 6 pennies a day, and the most popular tier grants access to a whole backlog of mature art and art statements that I haven’t posted anywhere else.

And with that, I’ll leave you to it.

Love (you get it),

-J