The Rod of Gender Transformation Ch. 5

“I have something to tell you,” the willowy elven NPC announced to the party. “While you slumbered, I crept into your tent and, ahem, borrowed your enchanted rod to use it upon myself.”

“Wow, I really can’t tell. Uh, are you sure it did anything?” Mark asked in character as his dwarf barbarian Balor Bloodaxe.

“Yes!” the elf snapped before clearing their throat and returning to a more diplomatic tone. “Yes, I assure you it functioned as usual. I know my people’s gender may be hard for you outsiders to discern but I assure you the transformation is perfectly clear to keen elven eyes.”

“You’re one to talk, Balor,” Andy said as the human ranger Peregrim Faucon. “Don’t dwarf ladies have beards?”

Mark glanced at Brian. Breaking out of character, he asked, “Wait, do they in this setting? Please guide us, O all-knowing master of dungeons.”

Brian thought for a moment before making his proclamation. “Dwarf women tend to be hairier than their human counterparts, and much hairier than even male elves. However, it varies by region and clan whether their beards are as full as the men’s, and some dwarf women have no more than a thin mustache or goatee. Dwarf women who dwell among humans, such as those who move to the metropolitan capital of Highguard looking for work, are more likely to shave or wax their hair to fit in better with human norms.”

“Did you just come up with that?” Lucas asked.

Brian stroked his chin. “A good DM never reveals their secrets.”

“So why’d you do it?” Peregrim asked. “And what gender were you originally anyway?”

“I’m not going to dignify that with an answer,” the elf said haughtily. “And now I am finally the first heir to the throne of Dawnwood.”

“More like Morning Wood amirite?” Balor said. “Sorry, just a little bawdy dwarvish humor. Hope it didn’t offend your delicate sensibilities, your majesty.”

“I’d suggest you not aggravate me further, dwarf. My family holds power far beyond the forest’s edge.”

“Ooh, I’m so scared.”

“To celebrate the occasion, why don’t we have a toast?” Willow said, obviously trying to defuse the situation. “I have a bottle of fine elven wine for just such an occasion.”

“I’ll never cease to be amazed at how such a small humanoid can hide so much alcohol on their person,” Balor said. “It also puts us dwarves to shame. But at least we can store drink in our beards.” Mark mimed sticking the braided end of a beard into his mouth and made a loud, obnoxious sucking sound. “The mark of a fine dwarven ale! Only gets better with time.”

“Gross”,” Willow said. “Remind me to never lend you my foot hair clippers.”

“I want to try to take the rod without Willow noticing and use it on Mark. I mean, Balor,” Andy declared.

“Mark, are you okay with that?” Brian asked. “I know you mentioned wanting to use the rod anyway, but I don’t want anyone’s character to get transformed if they’re not okay with it. I want this to be a fun item, not something that makes anyone’s roleplaying experience worse.”

“I’m fine with it, dude.” Mark said. “I think it’s funny. And yeah, I was probably gonna use it on myself later anyway.”

“Alright. Andy,  roll Sleight of Hand?”

“22!”

Lucas rolled a Spot check for Willow. “16.”

“Alright, so. Peregrim successfully sneaks the rod out of Willow’s knapsack. Uh, I’m gonna need Peregrim to make a ranged touch attack to try and hit Balor with the rod’s effect.”

“Nat 20!” Andy shouted.

“Couldn’t have had these rolls earlier when we were actually fighting the boss?” Mark said.

“Alright, your aim is true and a small, crackling sphere of mingling pink, white and blue energy flies out of the end of the rod and straight towards Balor. Balor looks up in shock as the ball hits his chest and sends waves of energy rippling outward across his whole body. As the energy courses through him he starts to grow smaller. His bulging muscles appear to smooth as a layer of body fat ripples over them, though he remains as powerfully built as ever. Fat redistributes from a slight dwarven beer gut to fill out his pectoral muscles and buttocks with added mass, and his facial hair shrinks back to the margins of his face while his face’s shape grows rounder.”

“How big are my boobs?” Mark asked.

Lucas sighed.