(Not) Weekly Update - 17th of January

Happy New Year, my friends,

Sorry for the slowness. I am not having a good time of things, as always, as ever, such is my life, hahah.

To be blunt, I fucked up. I am so unused to taking time off work that in taking two weeks off for Christmas, as any human might do, my routine slipped. I have all these important things I do, to maintain my "battery" so to speak, such as regular exercise and painting little soldiers and reading and so on, so forth.

But that's cognitive overhead, and it was a holiday right? So I said fuck it, do as I please.

Which meant I somehow ended up just binging games (God, fuck you Balatro, you fucking perfect dopamine dispenser) and doing nothing. No reading, no painting, barely exercising, barely any of it. And then come the 6th of January, I was just a mess. And while I am ever so slightly better, I'm still really just a mess.

I had a good day (not by normal standards, but comparatively) on Tuesday, and it seems to have exhausted my capacities since then. Day by day I'm trying to do what I can to build the battery up, to get back to functionality, but it's slow and agonising. It's extremely difficult to be functional with ADHD, even with medication, it requires such an immense degree of self-management and honestly it's pretty upsetting that certain things which are so normal - like holidays - have to be viewed cautiously or else they become really quite damaging.

So yeah, basically. I'm open and honest about this stuff because while on the one hand I can see it as "excuses," it's really not. It's just genuinely impossible to do what I want to do - I do actually like making money, and I certainly enjoy writing - when that part of my mind as always wants to pursue those things which excite it. Which isn't what I'm doing at the moment, certainly not feeding the beast, but to take active control becomes exhausting at the moment so I've gotta do this in bursts and well, this is a big old ramble of annoyance.

I will hopefully have more positive news soon. I do feel improved compared to last week, not anywhere near enough, but such that I can see progress. Hopefully this just continues, and in a week or two I'm not struggling so much with energy levels and so on.

I think it's easy at times to see what I have been capable of, to feel incapable of it right now, and to be extremely frustrated. To ask if I'm being lazy, or if I'm not trying hard enough, but at this point in time I simply can't output much of anything at all. But I will get there, again, in time.

Thank you for your patience and support, I dig it, you're all great. I'll pause and pause and pause, obviously, but I thank you all the same. There are so many things I want to write and finish, but right now I have to sadly focus on just being able to function, hahah.

Have a great weekend, and big love,

Thalaxian

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox