Unfiltered + Vulnerable - Body Dysmorphia

Content note: Body dysmorphia/Fitness/Weight loss

So, this isn't along the usual lines of what I share here or maybe it is. I always say I need to be able to share all of me, and today, this is where I'm at. So, if you will meet me here and help hold me, you are welcome. If you can't, that is also okay and I understand. This is not an easy topic, or an easy experience. But it is my truth right here and now, and I need to share on it. 

Last night, I posted this photo to my IG stories with the caption “Feelin’ my strong and capable self”. I was proud. I’ve increased my activity level lately and am noticing the difference: I am doing movements I never thought I would be capable of doing; My cardiovascular health has increased tenfold when riding; I’m able to ride more horses, more often and my muscles recover quickly.

But then . . . I got a message asking what I was doing to lose weight and my heart sank.

I knew my body was changing over the last couple months. I had been in denial as long as I possibly could that my clothes were not fitting anymore. Things that fit back in November pretty much fall off of me now (these shorts being a prime example).

Thing is, I have never lost weight in a healthy way. And that is a reason I focus on movements, or activities I enjoy and I have not weighed myself or owned a scale in close to eight years.

My thoughts instantly started to spiral. The fear of “gaining” came back. I looked at the picture then looked at myself in the mirror and have been grappling with why they look so different ever since. I’m picking up where my legs don’t look as full as I want them to; my arms don’t seem muscular enough, my booty looks flat . . . where I felt strong, I am seeing weakness and I don’t understand how to relate what I am seeing to how I felt just twenty-four hours ago.

Today I have been so filled with anxiety, second guessing my commitment to my workout routine, worrying that it is erring too close to obsessive tendencies I once had, worrying that my lack of appetite is me actually trying to avoid eating, even worrying that I have another health issue that is causing my body to change and that it won’t stay this way and it isn’t actually me getting stronger.

Because my brain/body connection hasn’t always been a healthy one. It doesn’t take much to throw me back into some of those harmful thought patterns, or for my brain to try to find something wrong with how I am treating myself because that is what it was used to for so fucking long. It’s searching for the patterns to try to make this something I need to fix; Rather than what I so far know to be true: This is about the other person’s journey with their body and not about me. But that doesn’t mean I don’t now have to process the impacts of what was said. It’s another level of healing for me, yes. But it is one I definitely wanted to approach on my own terms, and not because of this. It’s something I wanted to approach peacefully, and not out of fear.

Anyway, this isn’t some post to give answers. I’m very much in this right now, and still processing. Still terrified, to be completely honest.

I’ve reached out to my trainer for support. I’ve talked to friends. I am going to book for blood work to rule out the most likely medical cause if this is something related to that (I really don’t think it is because this is the best I have felt in a LONG time but, I need to rule it out now that it has been brought up). And finally, I am sharing with you as a reminder:

Please stop commenting on people’s bodies. Celebrate people’s celebrations but please, don’t project your own desires or even self-judgements onto them. You don’t know the implications it could have.

I also want to thank all of you because you do exactly that! If I am celebrating my body, you celebrate it with me. You meet me where I am at with commenting on my own physique and you respect those boundaries, always. You celebrate my abilities, the things I am learning about myself . . . all of it. I appreciate you all so much for creating that safety for me. You mean more to me than you realize. 

Sincerely,

Me.