The Unexpected Codependency

Today I want to talk about the upside-down side of "codependency". It's that side where you feel you have to take care of yourself to guard someone else and protect the security (read: false sense of) in a relationship. It's the times where you step back from your truth or stating your needs because of the nature of a relationship, the duration of one, etc. 

When I very first started my instagram account  I shared a live about stating what I needed. I had been hanging out with this person I called "Daddy" for about six months. We had an unofficial label of play-partners/friends - I never know what to bring up in conversation when people ask because truly, I am okay with the fluid nature of our relationship so long as him and I maintain open communication about where we are at - and at this particular point in time, I was struggling. 

Because of COVID-19, my own personal views of what it means to be socially conscious and considerate, and also being a severely immunocompromised human, I have very few people in my physical bubble (still), and Daddy was/is one. On that day, we hadn't seen each other in about three weeks and I was feeling the drop of not having any in-person affirmation or physical contact. 

I remember sitting in the park under the tree, looking up at the beautiful blue sky through the vibrant green leaves and my glistening tears and having that moment of clarity: I deserve to have my needs met.

I asked if he was free for a call, and he was. I explained my situation. I said I was not putting this on him, the fact just was I didn't have many people I felt physically safe with and I needed a hug. Unfortunately he was leaving town that night but he understood and he affirmed it made sense I was asking and it was okay, and he also committed to getting in contact as soon as he was back (which he did). I also instantly felt better after having asked for what I needed, even though someone on the outside wasn't able to meet those needs in that moment.

This week, something very similar occurred. This same friend and I hadn't seen each other for about five weeks and finally were able to meet up. I was feeling quite dismissed. It was bringing up a lot to do with past relationships, which I realize was not on them but it did point to a couple things I needed to address; Which I did. 

In the days following, the emotional hangover crept in. When I wouldn't hear from him (anxious attachment patterns activated due to shifting my narrative and stating a boundary where before I would have just continued on to appease the other person and not "rock the boat" . . . codependency) I instantly started to regret what I had done. I regretted affirming my needs and my worth in a relationship with someone I value and have chosen to build a relationship with. Right? Because that makes a whole lot of sense. 

Talking with a coworker, I had a further realization (stemming from the above): It doesn't matter if him and I aren't dating/in a romantic partnership. Friends in my life will understand I am human, they will want to support me, and they will be open to having these conversations; And I did absolutely nothing wrong by explaining what was coming up for me and advocating for the treatment I know I deserve. 

We worked together to figure out a solution, and now I wait to see it be implemented. So far though, there have been shifts aligned with my request and all I can do (my best boo tells me) is take someone at their word until they prove otherwise through inconsistent actions. So far, this friend is showing consistency. Which means I can continue to build safety, and gradually dismantle codependency. 

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