My Responsibility as a Sub

I hear people talk a lot about how the sub holds all the power (true), and how one can only be as dominant as their sub is willing to submit (also true). The Dom has a job to create an environment of safety and security, to know their Sub, to intuit their desires and limits and help create ways they can feel safe expressing these . . . and also to trust the Sub to express these in the moments.  

Trust.

It goes both ways. 

My coach (IG @thequeersexcoach) recently told me something along the lines of: You can only trust other people so much as they trust themselves. So basically, when you get that kinda icky feeling in your stomach it likely points back to a lack of trust in you, or their own lack of trust in them. It's not necessarily that you can't trust them. 

But if trust goes both ways, and the Dom creates trust so that the Sub can submit, how does the Sub create trust so that the Dom can feel assured as they create this space, as they inflict punishments, restrictions, test limits, etc.? 

In my opinion: There is a fundamental responsibility held by the Sub to be accountable for their own healing through life's bumps, trauma, daddy issues and all the things in between and to be able to articulate the issue being addressed, how they are healing through it, what it may activate during a scene and what care they would need if that were to be the case.

Now, before I go further, yes I understand not everyone can do all those things all the time; And I agree, that shouldn't stop someone from engaging in D/S dynamics altogether or for playing in the wonderful world of k!nk. This world can be such a wonderful place for healing and one step of our journey is not necessarily going to be fully checked off before we go onto the next: Healing is not linear. Emotions are not linear. People are not linear. 

What it might mean, though, is that certain things stay off the table until they can be met by the required level of self-awareness for it to be safe and supportive for the Sub, and for the Dom to be able to make a reasonably informed decision and acceptance of responsibility for possible outcomes in the situation. 

What "reasonably informed" looks like, that is between you and your Dom. Different people have different capacities, time to invest in a scene and aftercare, etc. which is where open and in depth communication becomes all the more important to make sure everyone has what they need to engage in a way that feels safe and supportive. 

The process may be different for you, but for me this looks like: 

• Creating space to discuss current events (friendships, growth, difficulties, etc.) - If I spent the morning crying, my Dom is probably going to know about it not because I expect him to do anything but so he can understand how I am entering our interactions that day. This doesn't have to be discussion in preparation for a scene, it can just be a casual conversation. 
• Having a support network (including professionals) outside any dynamic where you can go for support - If you're looking for some k!nk and poly-positive support, let me know. Your girl's got resources. 
• Ask questions: Of yourself, your partner(s) (romantically committed or otherwise), and the community. Approach everything with curiosity and a critical lens. 
• Invest time. This world has a whole lot to discover and it is okay to not do all the things, all at once. A partner who helps set the pace on the slower - I have found, somewhat reluctantly 'cus I like to go all in right away - is likely looking out for you in a way you just may not understand (sub-frenzy is a thing. Dom's need to pace things too to make sure they have capacity to care for us Subs. And sometimes, life is just too lifey).