Neurodivergence & the Birthday Struggle

I've never much liked birthdays. I never really knew why, but I knew that when they came up is when I felt the most alone in life - Like I was on the outside of a thick pane of glass watching everyone else play the coolest game ever and I was the only one who had not been given the instructions. 

It wasn't the getting older, though. That has never really phased me . . . something about time being a man-made construct I didn't buy into, or whatever. What it was, was expectation I was not equipped to meet. What it was, was a neurotypical (NT) expectation of what a birthday should be, and me - a neurodivergent (ND) human - trying to show-up for it without realizing that, well, I was ND.

So, instead of happiness and joy and celebration, birthdays were an annual reminder that I was broken, lonely, and separate from the world I was told I had so much to give back to (Anyone else experience that growing up? "You can achieve anything! You're so gifted and intelligent!" Yet you sit on the couch in a sinkhole of executive dysfunction feeling like you have nothing to show for a life of pain, fight and contemplation. Thanks ADHD. Thanks.). 

I should probably add a disclaimer right now, this post isn't super well-thought out. It isn't informed by decades of psych-jargon, formal diagnostics, and scientific literature. It is very much written from the perspective of someone who recently realized they are ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) and ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) and are gradually unpacking all the things in their life they could not quite make sense of, through their newly-awoken ND lens. Aka, my perspective. I'm sorry and you're welcome (how I close out most of my trainings in my big life lol). 

This, then, is the first year I have been aware of both the difficulties I have at birthdays and also the fact that I am a ND human. It didn't necessarily make it "better" . . . not in the sense I have always expected, where I would begin to feel fulfilled from that NT picture of how birthdays should look. What it did do, was allow me to have some grace with myself and through that, there came more joy in celebrating in a way that worked for me. 

Monday August 9th (the Monday before my 30th birthday) I got off work and instantly started crying. The kind of crying where it just keeps going and you're washing dishes through tears and vigorously scrubbing the steak knife before loading it to the dishwasher, and your hand slips and you pull it right through your finger and then there's blood  - oh lord, the blood! - and then you instantly start laughing through the tears because of course you just cut yourself while dramatically handling sharp objects while half being able to see through the pools of water streaming down your face. That kind. 

That night I went to horseback riding and mentioned to my instructor how I was feeling, and that for as long as I could remember I always feel this way at birthdays (as well as Christmas). She mentioned to me that it's really common for ASD people to dislike these occasions. I felt like instantly I could breathe a little deeper, and I felt some of the weight of sadness lift. "So, it's not just me? There are other people who know how this feels?" I remember thinking. 

There's a fundamental piece of information I have gained about myself through all of this that has made sense of most of my anxieties, insecurities, social-tendencies and now, also how I feel about birthdays: I don't internalize connection like NT folx (and of course possibly other ND folx because we are not all the same). I don't feel when someone likes me, or even when I like them. I understand emotion very computationally and for that reason, I need feelings to be explicitly stated. I need to hear and be able to trust your word. 

The issue is that not many people say what they mean. 

Not many people take the time to tell you explicitly that they value your friendship, or appreciate you, or like spending time with you. 

And because of that, when you mix how I experience connection with my issues with object permanence, once the person is out of sight I lose all of that feeling and trust in the connection. *Poof* I am all alone again. 

Birthdays are an opportunity to feel this same thing tenfold. They're a chance to enter a whole room of humans who look so excited for me and to not be able to genuinely feel any of it. It's a big huge reminder that I am different and don't fit into the world in the way people want me to (the way I'm supposed to, based on the NT perspective society operates from). It's a celebration of just how alone I already feel every, single day.

I wish this were the point where I turned around this piece into some magickal solution for my ND friends to start loving their birthdays. I don't think that exists to be honest . . . at least not in that way because the "fix" is still so effing NT-informed that it just is not accessible for us and so long as we try to "fit" we will end up feeling like shit. Facts.

What I can do, though, is tell you what I did this year that let things be a little more peaceful for me: 

• I asked for what I needed. I told friends that I need explicit affirmation of our friendship, and I asked for those interested if they were up for COVID-safe plans this week so I could experience connection in the ways that work for me (1-1). 
• I told my play partner that if they could make any space or energy for us over my birthday week, I really appreciated it and I needed that support. 
• I took myself on a solo trip to my favourite place and went on a 6 hour hike by myself because I LOVE solitude and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that 
• I recognized the years of trauma from trying to fit the NT-expectations. I witnessed this pain, shame and sadness. 
• I spoke up about it. Wherever someone was willing to listen, I explained to them what was going on and why for me, birthdays need to look different than what they may be used to with their NT friends. 

And you know what the really beautiful thing is? Every single one of my needs, was met. A newer friend read my post about needing connection to be stated, and took the time to reaffirm that they have enjoyed us getting to know each other and we met for coffee that weekend. My play partner and friend made a point of communicating that they wanted to do what I wanted for my birthday, and we had dinner together because they knew how much it meant to me (even though they were in a bit of a funk, which they also communicated so I would know it was not about me). They also communicated extra clear when they had to change plans, and though I was sad of course I was able to be okay in this sadness and to feel secure with the discomfort that came up. And my friends, they all took the time to listen, to empathize and to understand what I needed.

So yeah, birthdays may still be a struggle and this one wasn't lollipops and rainbows but it was pretty freaking powerful and I think for the first time I'm realizing that not every NT human will expect me to adapt for them. There are some who are more than willing to adapt for me, so that I can fit in the way I need to. I'm safe here and it's actually pretty great.