Consent Isn't Just for S*x

In an online community I facilitate, we have a community guideline that reads: Consent is. 

Full f*cking stop. 

Perhaps you've heard the phrase "consent is s*xy" before? I have, and while I appreciate the intent the impact can be highly problematic. Here's why: 

• This is often taken to imply that the only level of consent is a "yes"; 
• It implicitly shames those whose consent level is a "no", 'cus then you're just not that s*xy; 
• and because of the first two, it can actually create a less safe environment in which one may express consent (which can lead to some less than comfortable, and often not consensual, situations. Not okay). 

So instead, I go with simply, consent is. 

If you've been around my social media for any amount of time you probably learned pretty quickly that I lead with consent in all that I do, and I expect the same from those I engage with. 

When you signed up here, you read an intro to what this page is about that allowed you to decide your consent level (which tier you wanted to be part of).

If you've interacted with me in messages, it is likely I have asked permission before sending you a picture and asked that you do the same.

If you have a pet name for me, we discussed it and you asked and received a "yes" or even a "let's try it and I'll let you know if it doesn't feel comfy" before you began using it.

And if you were one of the people who sent me a picture without asking, or called me "baby" without me saying it was okay, you most definitely got a response of "In future please ask for consent before sending any photos" or "My name is Dixie". 

And and! If you're still here, that likely means you responded to my feedback with understanding and adjusted the way you engage. 

Novel concept, right? Yeah . . . I wish. 

There seems to be this assumption that just because I play in these k!nky realms, or share photographs of my body, or even that because someone invests in my work, they are allowed to interact with me in whatever way they please. 

To clarify, these folx making this assumption are very, very wrong. 

These folx are the reason more people don't feel safe to explore k!nks and ask questions, or to celebrate parts of themselves with images or public stories. 

These folx are the reason others don't feel able to enter and build community.

And this past week, these folx were the reason I was left feeling defeated, depleted, and truthfully unsafe in spaces I have created. 

[Please don't respond saying I'm so brave, or that you admire me for sharing about this and continuing to show-up. Or even that you're sorry I had to deal with this.

I'm here because others deserve the opportunities I have had, to learn and network and be able to articulate boundaries and be supported. It should not be considered "brave" to do this. It should be the standard, and we collectively have a responsibility to make it so.]

So what is the response I ask of you? Simple: Do better. Hold others accountable. Lead with consent in all that you do. Every single interaction, in every context (not just in the bedroom). 

If you want to share a picture with someone, ask.

If you want to use a pet name with someone, ask before using it. 

Or better yet, ask them what pet name they would like you to use if they are open to you using one rather than asking if you can use your favourite one for them. 

If you want to add someone from your k!nk world on a non-k!nk platform, ask. 

And in all cases, respect their No, Maybe, or Yes. 

Focus on their comfort level and safety. 

And if their response disappoints you or makes you uncomfortable, absolutely do not put that on them. That is not theirs to process. That is not theirs to fix. That's yours. 

Thank them. 

Respect them. 

Move on, with consent. Always. 

[Image of me in my pink sweater which reads "Not your baby".]