CarissaExplainsNothing

Privacy

A friend recently said to me that people are entitled to their secrets. Yes, there are harmful secrets or secrets that cannot be held for other people because of the damage they could cause. But secrets are also an important part of being human.

Not every detail of my life is for everyone to know. Privacy is not an indication of something being wrong.

We also get to choose what pa...

Empowerment vs Exploitation

My photos and videos were stolen, sent to people, and possibly posted on the “dark web” and other places without my consent (obviously). Facing this level of abuse and exploitation has been one of the biggest challenges of my life.

I was on the Focus on Your Own Family podcast recently talking about this whole experience and we discussed the difference between empowerment and exploita...

Why I Didn’t Speak Up

I didn’t speak up for so long because I thought no one would believe me.

Bullied by creators with larger social accounts than I had, they believed they had more influence than me so they would get away with it. I believed that too.

I was wrong.

When you listen to and believe victims you give us strength we need to become survivors. When wise people use their skills to assist...

Black is my favorite color

(Yes, I know black is a shade… not a color 😂)

I might have to wear black lipstick more often. That is all. 😆 Happy Monday!

Labyrinth

On New Year’s Day I went to my Unitarian Universalist church to walk the labyrinth. I’ve never done this before, but I really enjoyed the experience.

I took a little stone at the beginning to hold and focus on while I walked and set my intentions for the year. Apparently, I was supposed to drop it into a jar in the center of the labyrinth, but I missed that detail in the instructions ...

I Love Men

I wrote something on Threads recently that caused a little bit of a stir. Thought I’d share it here, in case you missed it.

❤️

I was thinking about men and why I’m still drawn to men (in a romantic and sexual sense) in spite of all the harm men have caused me throughout my life. As much as I wish I was attracted to women, that’s just not how I’m wired at all.

Indu...

New Podcast Episode!

I’m back on the Focus on Your Own Family podcast talking about purity culture, abuse, empowerment, objectification, and the time that I was an “OF” creator*. Click here to listen to the first episode and then the second will be out next week.

*I no longer have th...

Wishing you a happy new year ❤️❤️❤️

I’ll be Happy Again

There were just a few very brief moments this year when I felt peaceful and happy. Early May, then again in November. These were beautiful times of hope and looking forward to the future. Unfortunately, because of the intentional and incredibly harmful choices of other people to hurt me and even others around me, those times of happiness were very brief and ended with suffering.

When feel...

Merry Christmas or Whatever 💋

The Ex Pastor’s Wife

I wasn’t that good at being a pastor’s wife. But really, the expectations were such that few people could ever live up to them without ending up at a total breakdown.

The worst time of the year as a pastor’s wife was Christmas. We could have no life. Family time was wedged in between all the church things that engulfed the majority of every day for weeks. Forget traveling to be with...

Telling on Myself

Yes, I had an “Onlyfriends.” No, I do not anymore.

Why the hell am I telling you this now?! Because although I used a pseudonym, kept that little side hustle separate from my main socials, and was prepared for the inevitable leaking of pictures… I was not prepared for the way my stalker accessed and used my images.

To be fair, most of my OF was pretty tame compared...

Fine, I’ll Do It Myself

“I do it myself” was the first sentence I ever spoke as a toddler and from what I’ve been told it was my favorite sentence long after. I’ve always had an independent spirit.

Still, when life is very hard and scary and I’m mentally and physically exhausted, I wish for people to lean on. Recently, I and another person were victimized in a terrible way. I expected that he and I wou...

Not responsible for the actions of others

I am only responsible for what I do and say. If anyone else believes lies about me and acts out based on those lies, that is not my error to correct.

❤️❤️❤️

Was any of it even real?

One of the most difficult things about recent (18 months) happenings in my life is how a very bad person got to me in such a personal way that they were able to confuse me about reality. I’m at a point now where I don’t know what was real or even who was real.

Would someone really come into my life just to trick me into trusting them?

It’s wildly painful to open up to someone ...

I did the scary thing and I was thinking of you

The victim advocate explained the process to me so I would know what I was about to do and make an informed decision. I was shaking and crying thinking about what I was about to commit to doing. I could have chosen to continue to be silent and try to make myself smaller and less noticeable to an abuser.

But I thought about *you* and others who have been hurt only because of being close to...

Fixing What I Didn’t Break

I pinned an older video on Instagram and TikTok (you can watch it in one of those places) of me talking about how I was realizing how I try to fix things I didn’t break. Always trying to protect people who have proven they don’t give a shit about me. Still caring for people who don’t even speak to me. Giving of myself in very personal ways to try to help someone else feel good and then re...

I Sing Better Alone

I don’t have the most beautiful singing voice ever, I am aware. But singing in front of other people has always been an issue for me. I’m way more timid and my voice is smaller and weaker. I’ve never figured out how to work past this.

Driving home tonight I was singing along with whatever music I was listening to and realized… I always sing better when I’m alone.

There’s...

Not Fragile

I’m sensitive, sweet, and empathetic… not fragile.

Abandoned

I don’t have an irrational fear of abandonment, I have evidence.

I recently posted this on Threads:

Seeking connection and fear of abandonment cause me to abandon my own self in pursuit of meaningful relationships. Friendships, romantic relationships, family… in every type of relationship I’ve consistently betrayed my ideals, goals, and boundaries for other people, ignoring m...

What Do You Deserve?

Recently I sent a text to someone who hurt me to tell him what I had actually deserved in that relationship. It ended up being a good exercise for me in recognizing how I should be treated, by myself and others. That list was different than this, but here’s how I’m feeling today:

I deserve to be seen for who I am, not as an object

I do not deserve to be abandoned

I deserve...

Update

Hello,

I want to thank you all so much for being here. The support has meant more than I can express.

I have been subjected to incredibly cruel stalking and harassment for a year and this week it took a terrible turn for the worst. I never imagined it would get as bad as it has. The only things I looked forward to recently and made me smile are being stolen from me.

Really won...

There Was a Fire

Well, I was going to post a bunch of new content yesterday and even said so on Threads. Then the whole row of townhomes next to mine caught on fire and things got chaotic. 😳 I’m okay, but it was a very jarring experience, to say the least. I’ll be back with new content soon! In the meantime, feel free to drop me a DM if you have any ideas for me. I’m looking for new ways to expand what...

Questioning

A community where questions are discouraged or even punished is really more of a cult than much else. Yet that is exactly the experience so many of us have in church. Questioning why we believed what we believed, questioning authority when they were clearly not making wise choices, questioning why things had to be done a certain way that didn’t seem to benefit the community… any questions l...

What is Respect?

We had an interesting conversation on Threads and Instagram this week about respect. I called out that it feels like oftentimes when men speak about respect it’s a different definition of that word than what others mean when we use the word.

There’s a very toxic use of the word respect that indicates the person does not want to be questioned. They want to be “respected” by being ...

An Actual Person

I joined Threads as soon as I heard about the new social media app a few months back. It was really fun and exciting at first, as new things tend to be. Many people start on a new app and then stop posting quickly, even forgetting to go back to it at all. I kept posting, more and more, and have gained a little bit of a following there.

Something funny I’ve noticed is how many men there ...

Daylight Saving?

Well, apparently the time changed today… and I missed it. 😂 This is what happens when you’re super busy, work from home, and often lose track of the days of the week.

At least I truly did get an extra hour of sleep last night! lol

No Bad Angle

Anyone else often feel self conscious about camera angles? It’s wild how different we look in pictures depending on the angle of the camera. Especially being a “bigger woman” I known which camera angles are “best” for me and which to avoid.

Trying something a little different, I snapped this selfie. Absolutely the “wrong” camera angle with it shooting straight up and highlig...

One Thing After Another…

Does it ever feel like it’s one crisis right after the other? I was talking with a family member who has been going through so much. They were making plans to visit me after they had a short hospital stay last week, but now a close family member of theirs ended up in the hospital as well. He said it just feels like they can’t catch a break.

These difficult times happen for everyone. W...

Happy PSL Day

It’s the most wonderful day of the year… Pumpkin Spice Latte is back at Starbucks. 😂

In honor of this occasion I decided to wear a Starbucks green dress and play my usual Spice Girls role of Pumpkin Spice. You’re welcome.

I was going to try to photoshop the last picture to make it appropriate to share on social media, but… I don’t think there’s a way.

Thank you ...